Dear Journal
by Godless Girl
Summary: This is a story, girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. Boy falls in love. Happily Ever After, right? I don't own Degrassi and this story is rated M for: language, situations, and explicit scenes.
1. Chapter 1

_So, I haven't been on here in FOREVER! But I have good reason...reasons actually._

_First, I got grounded for a month, then I had writers block - no inspiration whatsoever._

_Then...I had inspiration...and I got grounded...again._

_But I'm here with my new inspiration, _

_hope you like it :)_

_P.S. There isn't going to be a sequel to Thinking of You_

_P.S.S. Reviews are required :) kthnxbyee_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ They - as in my parents and all-knowing therapist - think I should start writing in this stupid book. You know, to sort out my feelings and thoughts, get myself straight. Of course, that's a bunch of bull. I don't want to write about my feelings and all the rest of the stuff they want me to vent. But I don't need to; I'm at peace with myself. Even after…what happened._

_ I feel stupid, just sitting at my desk, writing in this thing. I sound whiny, a thing I hate most about people. But, yet again, I'm doing it. I honestly don't know what to write. Maybe I should write about the first time we met, or more accurately, the __**second**__ time we met._

_When I think about it, I remember absolutely everything about the day we met, for the second time. The first time was kind of blurry, because I was seven and my grandmother was sick in the hospital, but we'll get back to that later. The second time, however, it's clear as daylight. Here goes nothing…_

May 9th, 2010, a bright sunny day without a cloud in sight to mar the stunning blue sky of Canada. A day worthy of shorts, tank tops, and flip-flops. And people were wearing just that, while kids jumped rope and played hop-scotch, a cheery day one would think. Yet, my parents were fighting - but that wasn't really that unusual nowadays. I had locked myself in my room, blaring music to drown out the yelling and hollering that seemed to carry its way into my room.

I stuffed my face in an algebra book, reading the same line over and over. _'__The root of x^2-5x+2 = x/2'_. It was aggravating, hearing the incessant screams from downstairs. After reading that line for the zillionth time, I gave up and slammed the book closed.

Since it was so nice out, I figured a walk was in order, to clear my head and stop the headache from forming. I slipped on a pair of squeaky lime green flip-flops, and then reached for a sweatshirt since it was getting late. As I went for the door, I stopped myself and grabbed my copy of Wuthering Heights, something to read if I decided to stop.

Quickly, I opened the door and hurried down the hallway, down the stairs, and to the door. Not that it mattered; my parents wouldn't notice my absence anyway.

A sense of relief washed over me, once the sun happily beat down on my face and a cool breeze washed across my bare legs. Spring always had a way of making me happier, but everyone says that.

After basking in the heat of the sun, I skipped down the steps of my house and onto the concrete sidewalk. I smiled, seemingly rejuvenated by just having the bright blue sky shine above me.

The Goodwin Twins from next door, both eight and cute as buttons skipped over to me, wearing big smiles on their naturally lightly-tanned skin. Though twins, their hair and eye color were completely off. Kara had bright blond hair, seemingly white after being bleached by the sun that ran straight, with a pair of dazzling green eyes. Her sister, Clara, however, had black hair that hung in ringlets with blue eyes that almost outshined my similar blue orbs.

"Clare! Clare!" They cried in unison, causing my smile to widen into a grin. "Come play! Please!"

"Play what?" I asked, smiling down at them.

Even though I was nine years older than them, I agreed when they told me to play hop-scotch. They giggled happily and tugged on each hand and dragged me to the boxes they drew from Crayola chalk.

We played for God-knows how long, and I was starting to get tired, at least my legs were. After hop-scotch, we jumped roped until Mrs. Goodwin came out with a tray of three empty glasses and a pitcher of lemonade.

Mrs. Goodwin looked much younger than she was, especially for being a stay-at-home mom. Her hair was black like Clara's, but her eyes were green like Kara's. She was at least three inches taller than me, and always wore dresses with an apron. Mrs. Goodwin almost reminded me of those seventies moms.

"Clare, you're such a sweetheart. These girls adore you." Mrs. Goodwin gave me a gleaming smile and set the tray down on one of the steps. She poured a glass for each of us and I thanked her when I received mine.

"You know, I could really use a babysitter this weekend. We have family moving here, and Saturday the adults are going out as a reunion. Would you like to watch them? Fifteen dollars an hour, come around sixish?" She asked politely.

"Of course, I'd love to." I answered and sipped my glass of lemonade.

"Great! The family will be meeting up right about then; it'd be lovely to introduce you to them. They would probably love you just as Kara and Clara do." Mrs. Goodwin flashed me another stunning toothy smile.

"Sounds alright," I said and finished the glass. "Well, I better get going."

"Bye, Clare!" Yelled the twins, who hugged my sides furiously.

I handed the glass back to their mother and went down the street again, I really wanted to walk to the park, maybe sit on the hill to read for a bit. Anything was better than home. The sun had barely gone past the highest point in the sky, so I figured I had another hour or so.

When I got there, I ventured through the winding paths and eventually found my spot. My spot was literally my spot, as far as I knew, no one has found it yet. I happened to be walking on the trails and fell through the bushes and onto another hidden path - I blame it on bad coordination skills. Well, the interesting thing is I decided to follow the path, and eventually I ended up on this gorgeous hill that over looked Toronto.

And that is where we met. It was strange, seeing someone here. It was always just me. But, oh my, was this boy handsome. His hair was shaggy and deep brown - almost a shade away from black. His skin was tan, not so much it was overbearing, but natural. The oddity that both threw off but added to his gorgeous appearance was the dark, gothic attire he wore. Black skinny jeans, black blazer with rolled up sleeves and an enormous amount of jewelry for a boy to wear.

"Hey," he said and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I was stunned that he knew I was there, but later I realized he probably heard me coming from a mile away.

"A reply would be nice." He stated, and internally, I knew there was a smirk plastered on his face.

"O-oh. Sorry. Um, hi." I said timidly, mentally slapping myself for sounding so stupid.

"The name's Eli." He said and tilted his head back to look at me; his arms were supporting him as a pair of stunning emerald eyes glared right into my own.

"Clare…" I mumbled, almost in a trance.

"Nice to meet you." Eli said, I felt heat rush up my neck and to my cheeks. "Are you just going to stand there? I promise I don't bite. Much."

A shiver tingled its way down my spine, I had to bite my lips from making any noise. I nodded weakly and stumbled my way until I reached the spot next to him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked before tentatively taking a seat beside him.

"I should ask you the same thing." He smirked at me, my heart melted.

"This is my spot," I said automatically, then pressed my lips in a line, _stupid stupid stupid_.

"You own it?"

"Well…no…"

"Then it's not your spot."

"Bu-"

"No buts, until you give me legal proof that this is your property, then it's not your spot." He chuckled, staring at my annoyed expression.

"I…you…ugh! I just…call it my spot because as far as I know, no one else knows about this place." I said, my voice drifting off when my gaze traveled to the city.

"I do." Was his blunt statement.

"Well, you're the first person I've ever seen up here." I mumbled, watching as the city lights started to appear, as if my magic. "Isn't it gorgeous?"

"Yeah, you…it is." Eli coughed, quickly turning his gaze to the ever glowing city.

"Not just out there, you should see this place at night. All the fireflies…it's beautiful." I sighed dreamily, leaning back to lie on the grass.

I closed my eyes, breathing in the thick scent of the nearby forest. Another sigh escaped me, the heat blowing back in my face. Surprised, I snapped my eyes open, only to find those bright green eyes staring at me. Rather close, too.

We stayed silent; the only noise was the forest and his breathing. My breath was caught in my throat, trying to suppress the urge to either push him away…or kiss him.

"You have pretty eyes."

_And that's how I met him - that was the day everything changed. For good, and for worse. He was the best thing to happen to me that summer; I wouldn't change one thing about it. Well, one thing, one very important thing. What's done is done, there's no going back, Blue Eyes. That's what he used to tell me._


	2. Chapter 2

_So, I'm really disappointed I got ONE review...I mean, my story can't be **that** bad?_

_So...yeah. More than one review would really be appreciated._

_Maybe over five would be nice...?_

_Well...here's your story. I hope you like it._

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_Last night, I finally slept for once. Full on, sleep. I dreamed, too. It wasn't the usual nightmare, the usual story that I knew by heart. The dream I woke up crying every night. No, this one was memory of green eyes, tan face, black hair. So handsome…_

Beep! Beep!

Groggily, I slipped my hand from beneath the comfort of my bed sheets and slammed it onto my clock, silencing the annoying sound. A loud yawn erupted from my mouth as I turned over, staring through blurry eyes to see the time.

6:30.

Oh no! I'm going to be late! With a sudden surge of energy, I flung myself from my bed and towards my bathroom. I cranked to hot water on in the shower, stripped and jumped in, the water still freezing. A good wake-up call, but my teeth started to chatter until the water warmed.

I grabbed my shampoo, squirted some in my hand and lathered my damp curls. After rinsing it, I squirted conditioner and repeated the process. I cursed myself for not grabbing a cloth, so I just ran the soap across my body and rinsed quickly.

I turned the water off, shook my hair and got out of the shower, squinting through the heavy steam in the room. I grabbed the small white towel above the toilet and wrapped it around my hair, then the larger fuzzy white towel and dried the rest of my body.

I decided to skip breakfast and brushed my teeth right there, then hurriedly did my make-up in the foggy mirror. The towel in my hair kept slouching on my head so I removed it, the finished putting on the small amount of eyeliner I usually use.

After that I moussed my hair, and went to my room, rummaging for a pair of matching panties and bra. I looked out my balcony doors and saw the sun was already shining, so I decided on a black floral skirt and a bright pink tank top under a black cardigan.

"Clare!" Yelled my mother, I heard her footsteps approach my door.

"I know!" I yelled back, slipping my black flats the same moment.

"Do you want me to drive you?" She asked sincerely, her voice hoarse.

"I'll walk. Good for my health and stuff." I said back, not wanting to spend time alone with her, at all.

"Alright, sweetie. Lunch is on the table for you."

I didn't answer. Instead, I grabbed my large purse and hurried out the door, down the hall, and to the kitchen. I grabbed the lunch, stuck it in my bag, and ran out the door.

On the walk to school, I thought about the previous night. I stayed out until eleven, just talking to Eli. Now, it all seemed like a wonderful dream. We spent hours arguing about books, authors, and life in general.

He was seventeen, a year older than I was. His favorite author was Palahniuk, who was also my own, but he preferred Fight Club, but mine was Damned. Eli ranted on how amazing Fight Club was for almost an hour, I smiled the whole time.

I also learned that he just moved here, from Vancouver, and was enrolling into Degrassi. Immediately I warned him about the drama there, and he just gave me a smirk, stating without words that he didn't give a damn.

The obvious things about him were his sense in music - another topic we argued vigorously about - which was hardcore metal, his favorite band was the Dead Hands, but he secretly liked to listen to tamer rock.

The flaw, if you would call it any, was he was an atheist. Short tempered on the subject, so much so that I was afraid to reply to his snarky comments. It was like God and himself had some unknown dispute that only he knew about, that it boiled in the core of him that any mention of the name made him hiss in anger.

Something stuck to me, after the argument, and after I slipped earlier that my parents were having marital problems. He said, "God is one sick bastard, life is all part of his plan, right? So he planned that psycho killers will rape women and kill them, he planned the ripping of families apart; he planned the slow painful deaths of the sick. Sick bastard planned murder and rape and disease and illness, he planned it all, leaving us here to suffer."

I thought it over last night, hard; I still do to this day. Eli was wise beyond his years, wiser than most veterans of science and philosophy. I scoffed at him, playing it off as a stupid comment of non-believers, but it stuck to me.

I was thinking it over while crossing the street to school, whipping my head to look at a car stopping a mere inch away from me. I swooned.

_That's when I woke up, my heart was beating so fast and my breathing was so ragged, I felt like I was there. Really there. Reliving that moment. It was so real, tangible; I swear that when I awoke the echo of squealing tires still rung in my ears. But I'm going to continue the memory, because Dr. Holloway would throw a fit if I didn't…_

"Clare! Come on! Wake up!" Cried a voice, it was low and I barely registered it, if it weren't for the familiarity of the person who spoke it.

"Uhh…what…Eli?" I mumbled, squinting my eyes to try to make his face less blurry.

"Oh, dear god I thought I hurt you." He sighed in relief, pulling my body towards his.

Confused, I hesitantly wrapped my arms around him. I got lost in his scent - woodsy and musky - I stopped myself from pressing my mouth against his neck. He pulled away first, so I loosened my arms to look at him.

"What happened?" I asked, taking in the ghostly white face and dilated green eyes.

"I…almost hit you." He said, there was no doubt of the shame in his voice.

"Oh." I breathed, my mind numb as I got lost in his moss-colored eyes.

"Are you…alright?" He asked, his eyebrows scrunching together in concern.

Still confused, dazed, and numb from the experience and the close proximity of our faces, he shook me as if to get some response again.

"Uh, yeah. I think." I mumbled, breaking eye contact. "That still doesn't explain why I just woke up."

"Well, uh, you fainted. I brought you to the back of Morty. You've been out for about twenty minutes." He chuckled nervously, it was then I noticed were in the back of…something.

"Who's Morty?" I asked, regretfully pulling away from his warm embrace.

"He's my vintage, one of a kind hearse." Eli said, quite proudly, like he was the father of a gold medalist track star.

"Wait…so…we're in the back…of a hearse…" I thought out loud. "This means, we're in the place that dead people are pu- OH MY GOD!"

I squealed and scrambled out of the car, falling hard on the cement ground. I stood quickly, staring at the ominous black space of the hearse.

"Clare. It's just a hearse. I talked to the guy who owned it and he told me it was used two times. No biggie." Eli commented, scooting to the edge of the opening of his _hearse_.

"No biggie? No _biggie_? Dude…there were _dead_ people in there. Dead! As in, no longer breathing. As in decaying and oh my god I have to stop talking now or I'm going to throw up."

I placed my hands on my knees, my breathing becoming erratic and fast. Blood pounded in my ears, nearly drowning out all the sound around me save for my intense heartbeat and breathing.

"Clare, calm down. It's no reason to get worked up over. Think about it this way," Eli casually slipped out of his hearse and walked towards me. I was currently having - or close to having a panic attack. "It's a car with a lot of trunk space. About sixty years old, around the same time it was used. Twice. Just calm down."

Eli placed his arm around my hyperventilating body, before pulled me closer to rub my back. It was then I realized that my body was shaking, and tears were forming in my eyes. I had no idea why I was so afraid, but Eli kept whispering sweet words to console me. Slowly, oh so slowly, my body started to calm down. But my heart rate increased as Eli placed a tender kiss to my cheek when he pulled away.

"Um…thanks. I honestly have no idea why I got so freaked out. I mean, I have an idea why….my grandmother had died when I was seven, she…it was bad. But whatever. Thank you." I said and looked at Eli through my bangs. "That was so embarrassing."

"It's okay. Everyone is afraid of something." He said, rubbing my arm reassuringly.

"Yeah…" I drifted off, before gasping. "Wait, how long was I out?"

"Twenty minutes, give or take a few minutes." He said with a confused look.

"Damn, shit, damn…I mean…whatever. I'm late!"

"For what?" Eli asked, even more confusion written across his gorgeous face.

"School!" I groaned, placing a hand on my forehead - my parents were not going to be happy when they hear about this.

"Shit! Today's my first day! Come on, where are you going. It's the least I can do." Eli offered, nodding his head towards his…car.

"Degrassi. It's like two blocks from here." I sighed, giving him a smile.

Eli's lips slid into that smirk I adored, "Well, your _chariot_ awaits, milady."

_Fate has a funny way of setting people up - it's even funnier how they make it near impossible for one to love another. With Romeo and Juliet, it was warring families. With Edward and Bella, it was the forbidden love between two societies. For Eli and me…it was high school._


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey guys! Another update!_

_I'm gonna make this short and sweet,_

_10 or more reviews = update._

_Seriously, leave me a reviews, flames are welcomed. They make you a better writer._

_And reviews also lets me know that you're interested in the story. Why write a story no one is reading?_

_So yeah 10+=update_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ I'm not going to lie, and I'm not going to make things up as I go along. So there will be days that I can't remember, only I do, but the entire time I was with him, time seemed to blur into one long day. Days with him were repetitive, but we always did things differently, if that makes any sense at all. But with Eli, nothing ever made sense._

_ What I'm trying to say is, I'm not going to write down everything that happened in a great amount of detail. Only moments that stand out in my memory will be that clear. And some moments are too great to put into words. That first night, when we met, was a precious moment that I couldn't even describe perfectly. Because he was so perfect, so unrealistic. Like a part of a fantasy, a dream, too great to be real._

_ But he was. Every laugh, smirk, crude joke, lustful gaze, and every day with him was real. So perfectly created for me, even though I didn't deserve such a wonderful creation._

_ Anyways, now I'm going to describe two things. The first day Eli went to school, and one of the precious moments that stood out among all other memories of Elijah Goldsworthy…_

As I had assumed, we were late. Homeroom was over, and first period was just starting. I gulped when Eli pulled into one of the parking spaces farther away from the school, facing the basketball court.

"Why so nervous, Edwards?" Eli chuckled, giving me a smirk as he looked me over. "Afraid to be seen with little ol' me?"

A blush crept its way up my neck and staining my cheeks, I managed to squeak out a 'no' while trying to stop myself from shaking. His gaze was always too intense to meet head-on; it was difficult even without eye contact.

"Is it because of Morty? He doesn't bite, you know." Another deep chuckle came from his throat, I just shook my head.

"No…yes…two things. I…uh…I've never been late to school. Ever." I whispered, feeling a headache starting to form - my parents were going to murder me. "And yeah…Morty's still got me freaked out."

"Ah. Goody-two-shoes. Right. I forgot. Well, it's no big deal. I'm pretty sure, since you're a first time offender, they'll just slap you on the wrist." His smirk widened.

"I'm not a goody-two-shoes." I huffed, angrily opening the door to Morty.

"Wait! Clare…come on!" Eli left Morty, too, after turning the car off and taking out his keys. "I didn't mean to upset you."

I walked faster, hoping to reach the doors before he caught up to me. Unfortunately, Eli was a fast runner, and skidded in front of me before I realized it. I bumped into his chest, about to fall backwards when his arms wrapped around my shoulders. His face was pressed against my head, his lips eerily close to my ear.

"I didn't mean it," he whispered, my heart beat quickened. "Don't be mad."

"Ms. Edwards?" Called a deep, authoritative voice.

Immediately I pulled away, glancing at the top of the stairs to see the school's principal staring down at me in surprise. As usual, his wore a grey suit that was just fitting to his oversized body - when I say oversized I mean close to 6 and a half feet tall oversized.

"What are you doing out here? And who's this?" Mr. Simpson said, raising an eyebrow at me in disappointment.

"I'm Elijah Goldsworthy, just transferred here. We're late. Clare was on her way to school, I was driving by and she fainted, so I brought her here." Eli explained while I stared at the ground trying to hide the immense blush that stained my cheeks.

"Oh, Ms. Edwards, do you want to see the nurse?" Mr. Simpson asked sincerely, I just shook my head 'no'. "Alright, well you two head to the office. Clare, why don't you show Mister…Goldsworthy, was it? Well, tell Dorothy that I assigned you to show him around. Stop by the nurses' office, too, eh? Don't need our top student to be getting sick. Right around finals either."

"Yes, sir." I said meekly, hurrying up the stairs past my principal and towards the front office.

"Oh, Ms. Tour Guide, abandoning your attendant? How rude." Eli teased while catching up.

"Whatever, come on." I said, the embarrassment still boiling in my stomach.

"Are you alright? Maybe you should go to the nurse. You don't feel like fainting, do you?" He wrapped his right arm around my shoulders, like he was going to keep me from falling.

"I'm fine, Elijah." I grumbled, the feeling of embarrassment turned to nervousness. He was so close, I almost felt like fainting again.

"So you're the top student, eh? Top of your class, or school?" He was trying to make small talk, at the same time digging into my personal life.

"Top in class, third in school." I commented, then threw his arm off my shoulder once we reached the office doors.

I wasn't going to faint, but if he kept holding me like that, I surely would probably lose any self-control I had left. Tentatively, I opened to the door to the Main Office and saw that Holly J was working on filing in the back and 'Dorothy' - our ancient but sweet Secretary was sifting through paperwork.

The door creaked and both Holly J and Dorothy whipped their heads to look at us. A smile appeared on Dorothy's face, a smaller smile formed on Holly J's. She wore a floral dress, like most old women do these days, and her greying hair was in a loose bun. Her make-up was gaudy and it did nothing to make her look younger. Actually, it did the opposite and made her look ancient.

"Clare, dear, what can I do for you?" Asked Dorothy, I gave a sweet smile back.

"I'm late," Dorothy's smile turned upside down. "But I ran into Mr. Simpson, with Eli here, he's new. Anyways, Mr. Simpson wants me to show Eli around, so I need a pass to class."

"Alright, honey," she smiled and sifted through a folder to get two pink slips. "Where are you headed after first period?"

"Mr. Armstrong for Advance Trigonometry." I said and looked at the floor - god I'm such a nerd.

"And you, sweetie?" Dorothy asked, smiling at him.

"Uh, I never got my schedule. No one sent me one." Eli said shyly - wow, Mr. Goldsworthy being shy.

"Oh, well what's your last name, dear? I'll just print you up a copy."

"Goldsworthy."

"Right, right. Give me a second." She pursed her ruby red lips while staring at the computer.

"Goldsworthy… Goldsworthy. Ah! There you are! And….PRINT!" Dorothy exaggeratingly pressed the enter button, making me giggle.

Dorothy picked up the freshly printed paper, lifted up her sharply pointed glass with a beaded strap that hung around he wrinkled neck. "You have…Chemistry with… Mr. Betenkamp. Stop by your locker first, though, just so you know where to go between classes. Now, shoo. Get moving."

Eli took the paper, a small laugh escaping him. I smiled and nodded my head to the door, "Nice seeing you, Dorothy."

"Nice seeing you, dearie." Dorothy smiled then went back to working with her papers.

"She seems…nice." Eli stated once we were down the hall.

"She is, now let me see your schedule." I asked, putting my hand out for it.

"Say please," he laughed while holding the paper up and away from me.

"Eli…give me the paper." I said bluntly, jumping on my toes to reach for it.

"Just say the magic….word." Eli stopped talking while I stretched for it.

I finally looked forward to see his face was dangerously close to mine, and I stopped my attempt to reach the paper and stared into his eyes. They're so green…like a forest with jagged crevasses. I felt like I was looking overtop some uncharted land, I leaned closer, wanting to see more through the thick forest in his eyes.

"Clare…" He whispered, I froze, then stumbled back and away from him.

"Uh, sorry. Your…uh paper?" I asked shyly, glancing anywhere besides his face.

"Yeah." Eli looked disappointed, I gulped and took the paper from his outstretched hand.

"We have Psychology, Lunch, English, and Gym together." I smiled, then read his locker number. "We're locker buddies, too."

"Great." He sighed, I felt my heart tightened.

I lead Eli through the school, passing by the nurses' office first to be checked out - of course, I was perfectly fine. So we left, exploring every hallway except the science wing - that was last actually. One because his locker was there, and so was his class.

"Well, this is it. We have next class together, Psychology, so if you want we can meet here. I'll show you to the class."

"Great." He mumbled, lazily putting his combination in.

"Is something wrong? You've barely talked. Actually, all you've been doing is grunting since we got here." I asked, shyly putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine." He grunted, shaking my hand off.

"Did…did I do something?"

"No. Just…go to class. I'll see you later."

"Fine." I mumbled, feeling my throat tighten and my eyes water.

I started to walk away, biting my lip to stop it's trembling. I got halfway there, before a hand tugged me around and into a broad chest.

"I'm not mad at you. I just rather you not get too attached to me. Don't want to associate Degrassi's number one girl with the freaky new kid." He hugged me tightly as he spoke against my neck.

"You're not fre-"

"Just forget it, see you later." He let go of me, placed a sweet kiss to my forehead and walked away, leaving me standing there dumbfounded.

_You're wondering why this moment was so important, eh? Well, it was the moment I realized I was falling in love. Of course, I didn't admit to that until later. But I knew, in my subconscious, that I was, in fact, falling in love. It just took me awhile to realize my true feelings. And Eli, he knew from that first day, he told me so himself._

_Romeo and Juliet have nothing on this epic love story. Maybe one thing, they died together, out of love for one another. At one point, at this point, if I could rewind time, if I could rewrite history…I'd do it._


	4. Chapter 4

_So, I'm really disappointed that I only got 2 reviews for my last update._

_I think if I don't at least hit ten reviews for this chapter,_

_then I'm just going to end it here._

_Which is bad because this story was going to get really interesting._

_Oh, and just so you know, the story starts on a Sunday in May, and the next day was Monday_

_So I didn't skip over the summer, I just haven't gotten there yet._

_So even rambling,_

_10 reviews = next update._

_Seriously, leave me something._

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_I never did finish Eli's first day, did I? Well, to sum it up, it was awkward. The Legendary Degrassi Rumor Mill started up - Clare Edwards goes for the bad boys, Easy Edward, New Kid cuts, New Kid killed a guy, New Kid is a druggie, New Kid has claimed Edwards. You get the picture._

_I got stares all day, didn't seem to affect Eli in the slightest. Until Reese - you know that kid who used to hang out with Johnny, Alli's semi-gross and semi-sweet ex? - came up to me, asked me to…well…go to the boiler room. But he said in a much cruder way, crudest way possible actually. All because I took Eli there - supposedly. Meaning…I didn't._

_Eli didn't take it well, he actually nailed the guy in the face, broke his nose. As much as I am for 'turning the other cheek' I cheered him on. Gym was the worst class, the girls in the locker room asked me about him, asked what I did with him. Some girl had the nerve to call me a slut._

_This all happened in the matter of a day! Not even, a couple hours! Never, I mean NEVER, go to Degrassi. Unless you like attention, or like to gossip, I guess._

_Anyways, I'm going to fast forward, why? Because it's one of those weeks that blurs together, time was endless and squished together, but the best moments of my life happened in those blurred days. I'm going to fast forward to the last week of May, on a Thursday, starting in my Psychology class._

"Class!" Called the teacher, Mr. Perino. "Because Psychology isn't a full credit class, I've decided that our 'final' will consist on a project. You will pick a partner, you will learn _every_ aspect of their life, down to every last secret and you will present to the class their behavior as a human."

I groaned, looking over at Eli. This… I'd hate to say it, was too easy. Eli and I have basically become inseparable friends. Alli hasn't even come close to the intimate level Eli and I are on. I'm not talking kissy-kissy; I love him, making love every night intimate. We're just great friends.

Since we've met, we just…clicked. Although I can't say I'm not attracted to him, which I am, I mean every girl in Degrassi has fallen for his mysterious, dark bad boy looks. I, on the other hand, am attracted to his intelligence. Okay, his looks, too. But, as I explained, I'm not the only one?

Lucky me, I'm one of few friends of his. Eli wasn't as social as he seemed to be with me. He did make friends with Adam Torres, who I recently discovered used to be Gracie Torres. A boy born in a girl's body. Against all my beliefs, I only see him, and only accept him as Adam.

Except Eli and I seem to be the only people that think that way, besides Adam's brother of course. Fitz - the school bully -liked to torture him until Eli intervened. Unfortunately, Eli wasn't the one who got to say 'You should see the other guy'.

I was there when it happened, and I almost got as hurt as Eli had when I tried to stop it. I was pulling them apart when Fitz purposely slammed his elbow into my face, making me fall back with a bloody nose. The fight ended when the Principal showed up.

But, on brighter news, we've become the Misfits! This includes Fiona Coyne - who despite the…close relation to Adam's…parts - was dating him. Eli doesn't like her much, though. Supposedly she's vapid; I just think she's a rich girl who's trying to be normal.

But back to Psychology with Eli, he nodded at me as a yes and we took out our notebooks to start the project.

"What's your favorite color?" I asked with a giggle, I knew it already as I wrote down the question.

"Blue." He said, I stared at him.

"I thought it was black?" I asked playfully, even though he told me it was lime green last week.

"Funny. What's yours?" He asked.

"Green." I said without thinking - it was purple…or not?

"Favorite Book?" He asked, I smirked - since when did I do that.

"You know it already." I smiled and he wrote down the word '_Damned_'. "And yours is Fight Club."

"Let's try something new, see how much we know about each other. Like…your favorite flower is purple orchids." It was.

"You don't have a favorite flower." I challenged with a wide grin.

"Favorite movie, Gone with the Wind."

"Anything with gore."

"Favorite poem, anything by Edgar Allen Poe."

"Same."

"Least favorite food, pickles."

"Hot dogs."

"Favorite animal, rabbit."

"Kittens - which I must say is the cutest thing a guy can admit."

"Ha-ha. Funny. Favorite song, _Take Me Out_ by Franz Ferdinand."

"_Paisley Jacket_ by the Dead Hands."

"First kiss, never had one.

" "First kiss…never told me."

The bell rang, I looked at the clock in surprise, then back at Eli who was exceeding close. I felt my breath quicken.

"What are you doing?" I asked, in a whisper, knowing that if I talked any louder that it would break whatever was happening.

"Can I kiss you?" He whispered, I felt my heart stop and drop in my stomach.

"What?" I hissed, not nearly as harsh as I hoped.

"Just say no," he whispered again while closing his eyes. "If you want me to stop."

Without saying or doing anything, I sat there, not able to move. His lips, those thick Cupid's bow shaped lips were so close. So…close. I felt my eyes close, it was dark and all I could do was feel.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited.

I felt my cheeks burn with a blush, my eyes open, all I saw was green.

"Great observation, my dear. Blushes when nervous, scared…and possibly aroused." Eli chuckled before picking his stuff up to leave.

I never felt so angry in my life, I felt my eyes burn with unshed tears of embarrassment and my cheeks burn hotter.

"You're an ass." I whimpered, leaving the class to see a sad expression on his face.

_I didn't look back at him, I just walked away and avoided him as humanly possible that day. He apologized at the end of the day, I made him beg for it actually. On his knees, in front of the school. Of course the people just gossiped about him groveling for some other reason. I just wanted to see him do it. I had already forgiven him, but he didn't need to know that._


	5. Chapter 5

_Here's chapter 5, thanks for the reviews. Bumping it to 15 reviews = update._

_Eli and Clare met in May, a month before summer vacation, just so you know._

_ So yeah, 15 reviews = chapter 6! And it's a real tearjerker!_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ Last 'chapter', I like to refer to them as chapters, because this is, after all, a story. Anyways, last chapter, I never explained what happened after the almost kiss. I didn't get the feelings down right; I didn't explain that my heart stopped, that I wanted to feel his lips on mine, the pure unadulterated want for him. Oh, how I wished he kissed me. But I knew it'd be too good to be true, Eli would never feel that way about me, not ever._

_ When I opened my eyes, to see that he was joking around, my heart ached painfully. It was too good to be true; he was too perfect for me. Although he was constantly teased by Fitz, Eli was amazing in every sense of the word._

_ But every day, he'd look at me with that smirk, with those eyes. No one else got that look. No one else was as close with him as I was, sans Adam. But he didn't tease and flirt with Adam, that was a ridiculous thought altogether. But he did with me. Every day. And there were moments, special moments of almost kisses and tender touches. But it took a while for those almost kiss to become real ones._

_ The setting for this chapter is our spot, we were continuing our project, and it was a week after the incident. He didn't bring it up, I didn't bring it up. I didn't because I was too scared to be rejected; I figured he never brought it up because it didn't mean anything to him._

_ Here you go…_

I never could get used to our spot - even when it was just my spot, it was so breathtaking. The cliff was a bit far off from the city, and it was quite a climb to reach the top. Probably why no one was ever here, most Toronto people didn't go through the trails - unless they were one of those nature junkies.

The hill broke off to a diagonal cliff; the side looking like it was sprouting rigid black teeth. At the top was an open space, surrounded by shrubs and giant spruce and oak trees.

In the middle of it, Eli managed to gather logs and twigs for a makeshift fire when it got dark. It was late in the evening, too early for a fire, but the sun was starting to set. I was leaning back on my arms, my feet just dangling barefoot over the rocky face of the hill. Eli was close, turned and leaning on one arm to read the notebook of data he collected on me. Mine was closed, and scarcely filled with information on him other than dislikes and his favorite things.

I closed my eyes, my head lulled back and I inhaled the musky smell of the forest. It was so damn peaceful here, the noise of the far off city barely reached up here.

I tipped my head forward, wanting to look at the sky some more, it seemed to change as the sun sunk lower past the dark skyline.

"Eli! Oh, Eli, look! Isn't it pretty?" I awed, getting onto my feet and brushing my legs off from the dirt and leaves they collected.

"What?" He asked, leaning back on both his arms, not bothering to get up.

"The sunset, look! The clouds are all pink and orange, they look like cotton candy." I chirped happily, staring at the sky in a daze.

"Edwards, you're one weird girl," Eli chuckled while shaking his head.

"So are you, the only difference is I embrace my weirdness." I giggled, sticking my tongue out at him.

"Better watch that tongue, Blue Eyes, I just might bite it off." He teased, I rolled my eyes.

I bent in front of him, sticking my tongue out at him. "_Gah fah it." _ I smiled with my tongue still sticking out.

"Uh…" Eli stared at me incredulously before a wicked smirk formed on his lips. "If you insist."

Eli hurled himself forward, snapping his teeth a mere centimeter from my tongue. I didn't expect that, at all, so I stumbled back in surprise. Before long, I was balancing on the edge of the cliff overlooking the city.

"Eli!" I yelped, feeling my body falling backwards.

"Clare!" Eli gasped, stumbling over reaching his left arm out to grab my right, flailing one.

He tugged me forward, his free arm circling its way around my waist. The air was knocked out of me when my chest hit his, then we both fell back onto the ground - away from the teeth of the hillside. I lay on top of him breathless and on the verge of tears.

After a few moments, when the shock wore off, Eli muttered, "Holy fuck." I buried my face in his chest, the fear still coursing through me, my heart pounding. Tears slipped out, my breathing erratic and shallow.

"Shh…it's alright. You're alright." Eli reassured me, but it sounded more like he was talking to himself.

I clutched onto the black button-up he wore, and his right hand was tangled in my curls while his left rubbed my back. Once I calmed down, I rolled off of him to his right, staring through the fading treetop and into the darkening sky.

"Never again." I said, sighing in relief and turned to look at Eli.

"Yeah." He mumbled, not turning to look at me.

"Eli." I called his name; he didn't look away from the sky. I said it again, still, no answer.

I sat up, leaned on my right arm and hovered over his face. "What's wrong? I'm alright, see, you saved me."

"This time," he commented and looked away, his emerald eyes foggy.

"What do you mean this time?" I asked, putting my left hand on his turned cheek and forced him to look at me. "Eli, _what do you mean this time_?"

Eli sat up abruptly, his face so close, I felt my breath hitch. He was so close, again, was he going to kiss me? I hoped he would. There was no playful gleam in his eyes, just cold hard gems the color of the forest. So serious. I started to close my eyes, leaning closer.

His lips just touched mine, and fireworks exploded, my heart stopped and we both kissed each other. His hand went to the back of my neck; mine went to his broad shoulders. His lips crushed over mine, such a bruising kiss, so rough, so full of emotion.

Then, he pulled away, like I burned him. Eli stared at me in despair and disgust. My stomach wretched at the awful expression.

"I….I have to go." He said, my heart ached, no it burned and ripped and tore. This was the rejection, this was real. I furrowed my brows, not making a move to get away from him.

"What?" I whispered, attempting to place my hand on his cheek.

Eli swatted it away, and then took me by the elbow, lifting me up along with himself. His head hung low, the loss of light making his face appear dark and foreboding. He let go of my arm, and I missed his touch.

"Eli…" I whimpered, I knew what was coming.

"I can't…Clare…I can't be with you. Not now, not ever." He said, not lifting his head to look at me. "We can't…I don't feel that way about you."

"You're lying!" I cried, shaking my head as tears started to fall. "You kissed me…."

"That shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't even gotten this close to you." He said while shaking his head.

"What? Eli…I thought…you don't just lead people on like this. At least, the Eli I know doesn't do that." I whimpered, feeling my heart ache. "If you don't feel anything for me, then look me straight in the eyes and tell me so."

Eli didn't answer, not for a while, it felt like an eternity. I waited. And I waited. And I waited.

Finally, his head lifted his cold, emerald eyes trained on my blue eyes and he said something that broke me. "I don't feel anything for you, Clare. Not now. Not ever."

_He was lying._


	6. Chapter 6

_Here's chapter six!_

_Thanks for all the reviews!_

_This one is a real tearjerker, hope you like it._

_I'm claiming Friday-Sunday as my update days,_

_but to update I need...24 reviews :)_

_By the way, I need a betareader, anyone who'd like to be my editor? PM me :)_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ This is getting hard, really hard. Mostly because in this part of the story Eli and I, I forced myself to forget him. To forget that it ever happened. It was weeks before we talked, three to be exact. He didn't talk to me until the day before the last day of school._

_ That same day, I learned everything about Elijah Goldsworthy. His life, his love, his losses, his everything. This is all about Eli in this chapter, not in the selfish way, no. This is the retelling of Elijah, revealing his battered, scarred soul._

I was sitting in the J.T. Yorke Memorial Garden, classes were let out for a longer lunch since it was finals time. I didn't have any more tests to take. Gym was my next class and I didn't have a final in that class, so I skipped and stayed in the garden.

Next to me was my purse and I sat crossed-legged on the stone bench, reading _Damned_. But I wasn't reading the words. I couldn't. My mind was so busy thinking of him, so busy craving for what I couldn't have.

I was so immersed in my thoughts and trying to read that it took me over five minutes to realize someone was standing in front of me. I gasped in fright, and then looked up to see Adam, which was odd. We didn't talk at all, not since what happened…with him.

"Uh, hey, Adam. What's up?" I asked, giving him a weak smile.

"I just thought, maybe…you would want to talk." Adam said with a small blush cascading across his pale face.

"What about?" I asked curiously, narrowing my eyes at him.

Adam shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, and then awkwardly took a seat next to me. He looked…nervous, like he knew what he wanted to say but couldn't exactly put them into words. I stared at him intently, wanting him to start talking like he so desperately wanted to.

Finally, I had enough of his jittery movements and constant opening and closing of his mouth, "Adam!"

"Huh, what?" He flinched, I felt bad immediately.

"Sorry, just, what do you want to talk about?" I asked calmly, placing my hand over his shaking one.

"Well…I figured you could use someone to talk to, about Eli." I winced at the mention of his name. "Sorry. I'm just worried, is all. You've looking like a walking zombie, your skin is ghostly pale compared to the dark circles under your eyes. You never talk to me, or Fiona - which she hates because you're one of the few people whose friends with her - and you just look like a complete mess. I went as far as to talk to that Alli chick, and she says you haven't talked to her in months."

Adam was about to continue but I stopped him, "Listen, Adam, I get it. I'm a wreck. I know this. But, I don't think you got the whole story from Eli. What did he tell you?"

"He called me a couple weeks ago, said that whatever you and him had, it was over. He sounded like a maniac over the phone, mumbling through tears how he fucks everything up, something about jumping a cliff. It sounded like he was going to do just that. It was awful."

I looked at Adam dumbfounded, "Adam, he broke things off with me. He told me to my face, just after he gave me the best kiss I've ever experience in my life, that he didn't have feelings for me. Not now, not ever. Eli broke my heart, Adam, god it hurt so much when he said that. I ran away from him after he told me, otherwise he would have seen me break down. I didn't want that. I didn't want him to get the satisfaction that he irrevocably broke my heart."

"Oh, Clare," Adam whispered, he gripped my hand.

"It's not fair, he hurt me so much, Adam." I whimpered, feeling tears start to form, one slipping down my cheek, leaving a sticky salty trail behind. "I think…well I think I was falling in love with him. I really do. But, of course, Saint Clare can never be happy. My parents are constantly fighting, the only real friend I've ever had has ditched me to go fuck her All-Star boyfriend, my own _sister_ has abandoned me, my life is breaking apart at the seams. And just when I get a taste of happiness, when my life is just a little bit more tolerable, Eli just breaks me. I don't know if I can handle this, Adam, I can't handle anything else."

"Come with me." He said while standing suddenly, I stared at him with teary eyes.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

"Just…come on." Adam said, putting his hand to help me up.

"Okay?" I said lamely with a sniffle, I put my book away, grabbed my bag, and then Adam's hand.

Adam lifted me up, released my hand, and then took hold of my upper arm. I was about to protest but went along when he told me, "Don't ask."

He pulled me out of the garden and through the hallway until we reached the front doors. I protested finally, ripping my arm away from his grip.

"Adam, what is going on?" I asked impatiently.

"Just, don't ask, okay? You need to trust me." He pleaded, I gave in.

We ended up in the student parking lot, and suddenly I knew where he was taking me. I stopped and shook my head. I scanned the lot, looking for _him_.

"No," I growled.

"Please, he wanted me to get you, because he knew that if he tried, you wouldn't get this far. I just wanted to know what was wrong with you before I brought you here." Adam sighed, grabbing my shoulder. "Let him explain, please, he deserves a chance."

"He broke my heart, Adam. He rejected me, he _hurt_ me! Why should I?" I hissed, biting my lip to stop a whimper from escaping me.

"Give me an hour, Blue Eyes." Came Eli's voice, I stood rigid, not willing to turn and look at him.

"No." I stated.

"Please," he was getting closer.

"No."

"I'm so sorry," He whispered against my neck. I noticed Adam was gone. "Please."

"Fine."

"What are we doing here?" I asked, once we reached the top of the familiar hillside. The ride to the park, and the walk through the trails had been filled with silence. I didn't dare utter a word, too afraid of what would happen if I did. But now, as we stood overlooking the Toronto city, I wondered exactly why he brought me here.

"Well, we met here. I figured we might as well start new or end it in the same place. Seems fitting, eh?" He asked with a sad smile.

"Sure, now you're wasting your time, you only have half an hour left." I said, sitting on one of the make-shift seats on a log we dragged over near the 'fire-pit'.

Eli situated himself on the edge of the cliff, overlooking the city, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I had a brother, you know, his name was Elliot. He was my twin."

"What?" I asked lamely.

"Yeah…but…he's dead. I….I killed him." Eli said, I didn't interrupt him. "We were eight, young and quite the troublemakers. You know, we used to live here, too. But we moved…after he died. I…we were playing here actually, ran away from our parents in the park and ended up in this place. I pushed him, because we were sword fighting with sticks…and he fell over the edge." Eli choked on a sob, I felt my stomach churn.

"Dad started to drink after Elliot died, he became abusive, blamed everything on me. One day, after slamming my head against one of the doors upstairs, he tossed me down the stairs. I had head trauma, internal bleeding, and bones broken in several places. He said I deserve everything I got. He was right, I mean, I killed my own brother. I deserved whatever punishment that was brought on me. I was ten then. Anyways, I got sent to my aunts after that. I spent three years there, then my mother divorced my Dad and took me back. I lived in Ontario until this year."

He sighed shakily, it was then I knew he was crying. "In Ontario, I met this girl. Man, she was amazing. Dark ebony hair, chocolate brown eyes, and her smile, damn. I told her what I told you, and she was so understanding. I started to cut when my father beat me, still do, you know? She was a cutter, too. We clicked, we understood pain and suffered through it together, we were young and in love."

"The first night she stayed over, after having a rough fight with her stepmother, we made love for the first time. I stopped cutting after that, because I was in love and I was happy - for the first time in a long while. She never stopped, though, one night I caught her cutting in the shower at my house. She almost died. I brought her to the hospital. She told me that her stepmother was pregnant. At the time I wondered why that was bad, but it became evident that she was upset her father was starting a new family with a woman who beat his own daughter."

"Eli…" I got up, walking over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"A week later, she came to my house, told me to run away with her. I told her that it was a stupid idea, she was _fifteen_, and I was _sixteen_. We were too young. We started to argue. She ran away after I said some things I shouldn't have - I didn't mean anything, it was just the heat of the moment. She…got hit by a car. And died. I was there, too. I ran after her, and she stopped to yell at me. Then, bam! She was on the pavement, bloody, broken, and dead."

I turned him around to look at me, "We moved back here because of that. I was getting death threats and bullied at school…"

"Oh, Eli," I whispered and wrapped my arms around him as he cried on my shoulder.

"I destroyed everyone I loved. My father is a drunk; my mother is working three jobs to support us, she walks through the house like a ghost, more depressed than I am. I killed the love of my life, and my _brother_. I'm a monster, Clare! That's why I can't be with you. I can't stand the thought of losing you, too."

"Eli, I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I whispered in his ear, and then leaned down to kiss his neck. "I'm staying right here, with you."

"Please don't leave me, Clare." Eli sobbed into my shoulder, I rocked him, kissing various places on his neck and whispering sweet words and promise to sooth him.

"I will never leave you, I promise, I swear I won't leave you." I whispered, pulling him closer.

_Eli cried for hours, until it got dark. And I promised him that I'd be there for him, always. To the very end. Had I known there'd be an end, maybe I would've walked away that night. But I stayed, and I suffer even today with the regret._


	7. Chapter 7

_Here's chapter seven!_

_I hope you like it, but I have some sad news..._

_I'm moving next week and I probably won't have time to update until the following week._

_But I've already written chapter eight...so..._

_34 reviews = next update on...this Sunday :)_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ I've never talked to anyone about what happened that day, not ever. Not to my therapist, not to Adam, not to Alli. No one. It was my secret to carry, the burden of Eli's past stuck to me forever. He was so broken, such a wreck, but beyond all the pain he managed to break out a smile every once in a while, which is more than I can do._

_You know, I never really explained my life up to this point, I never explained why my parents fought, when it started, basically I never explained my life before Eli. When I looked over what I've written so far, I kind of laughed, it was like my life revolved around him - which isn't true._

_I had life, but it ended right after a blonde, backstabbing bimbo moved to Degrassi. I was a nerdy girl; I wore my classic schoolgirl outfit every day until I was influenced by Miss Alli Bhandari to wear normal clothes. I finally got noticed by my 'friend' K.C. Guthrie when I changed my appearance, and I was too distracted by finally being recognized that K.C. had made a move __**after**__ I changed my appearance._

_Life was perfect until the middle of freshman year when a blonde and beautiful girl named Jenna Middleton moved to Degrassi. She had no friends, so I befriended her because that was what __**Saint Clare**__ did. And that blonde and beautiful girl stole my boyfriend, right from under my naïve and ignorant nose._

_Worst day of my life, catching my boyfriend sucking face with someone who I thought was my friend. She saw me when I walked into the classroom with a smirk across her lips as she pressed her lips to my boyfriend's neck; Jenna had texted me, telling me to meet her there, in the classroom. It was all a plan. I never felt more stupid…and hurt. She did this; she took everything from me, for no reason._

_Jenna told me it was because I was too perfect, which was far beyond the truth. I was too book-smart, not enough common-sense smart, too self-conscious, my sister abandoned me, and my parents were slowly - oh so slowly - turning into a psychotic mess of swears and insults. I hated my life, and the only good thing was K.C. and Alli. I still had Alli, until this year._

_Of course, the power hunger Bhandari ditched me once she fell for Mr. Popular who looks like Taylor Launter. It was depressing, having my only real friend break all our plans just to suck the dick of a Twilight Wannabe. Worse thing is, he's cheating on her. It's nothing new, everyone knows, even Alli knows. But if all it takes is some heartbreak to stay on top, she'd endure just that to be known throughout Degrassi._

_Now, onto the matters of my family life - or lack thereof I should say. Now, I really rather not ruin my story, but my parents have split, and left me to live in the forgotten memories of our past. To remember the days when we'd all dress up in sweaters that made you itch for a Christmas Card, the days Darcy and I would beg our mother to lick the batter off the spoon when she made cookies for the Church Fundraiser, or the one time we all just up and left for a giant vacation to New York - although all we did was go to Christian camp. But still, it was time together as a family, as something whole. Not anymore._

_Then there's my non-existent sister who abandoned my wrecked family for Kenya. Not that I blame her…she went through a lot of shit in her life. Crude language, coming from Saint Clare nonetheless, but that's what happened. Got stalked, posted and was caught with provocative pictures, got…raped. It was all too much. So she left. Left her family, her problems, everything she couldn't handle. Ironically she chose to go fix someone else's problems, but maybe that's the point. Since she can't fix her own, why not fix someone else's?_

_My life sucks, that's all there is to it. No parents, no real friends, no support. I have Adam and Fiona, sure. But my parents are split, I lost the love of my life in the worst possible way, and I feel as if God is purposely fucking with me. But hey, it's like Eli said. God is one sick bastard._

It was a brilliant Wednesday night, near the end of June. The air was thick with heat, even when the sun's presence was gone, the aftermath of its immense heat lingered throughout the night. I wore a simple green tank top - I've taken a weird interest in green clothing lately - with white shorts and my feet were bare.

The black canvas of the sky was lit with an outrageous number stars tonight, each twinkling as if waiting for someone to finally wish upon them. I closed my eyes, inhaling the sickly sweet smell of summer's heat and the burning smell of firewood.

"I wish we could just stay here forever." I whispered, clutching Eli's hand tightly in my own.

"Technically, we can't. It's quite impossible for anyone to stay in one place, doing one thing forever. At some point you'd have to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc. And you'd get bored, human patients only goes so far. Pl-"

"Shut up, Eli." I giggled, sitting up and letting go of his hand.

"I'm just stating the facts, Edwards. Can't blame a guy for telling the truth. Isn't that what girls want to hear? The truth?" Eli challenged me, I shook my head.

"No." I giggled. "Because when I ask you, 'Does this dress make me look fat?' I don't want the truth that, 'Yes, your ass looks huge.' Yeah, I definitely don't want the truth." I sighed, giving him a smirk.

"I would never say that, I love your ass." Eli whispered in my ear, making a blush spread across my cheeks.

"Funny, Elijah, real funny." I snapped back, turning my head to look him in the eyes. He was so close.

But I couldn't kiss him, we weren't together. I know I said I would be with him forever, but he told me that he needed time. That I needed time, to let what he told me sink in. And it has, for the past week I've thought it over; I lost sleep over the whole story. I was heartbroken that someone had to go through something so horrible.

So I decided to protect him, as impossible as it sounds, I'll do it. I won't let him get hurt, again. Maybe it was my upbringing as a Christian. Salvation for the damned souls, but Eli's soul wasn't damned, it was damaged. And I'd be damned if I let anything else happen to him.

Tentatively, I placed a hand on his upper left arm, only he winced and moved the arm away from me. I furrowed my brows in confusion, tilting my head and staring at his guilty expression.

"Eli, you didn't!" I hissed, turning around on sit on my knees and pulling the sleeves of his shirt up.

There was a large cut running up his arm, fresh and puckered, glowing pink in the light made by the fire we made earlier. I stared at it, feeling my stomach churn painfully.

"Eli! Why?" I whimpered, looking from the ragged cut to his pained face.

"I…I had a run in with Fitz. We argued, and the argument turned into a brawl. But then…he brought up my past. I don't know how he found out about Julia…or Elliot, but he called me a freak. A psycho. I ran away, and when I got home, I don't know what came over me. Next thing I knew, I was in my bathroom with…this."

"You could've called me, Eli! I would've come over, I would've helped you!" I cried, placing both of my hands on face so he'd look at me. "Please, don't do this, ever again. If you're hurting, just call me, and I'll be there. I promise."

"You can't fix everything, Clare! You can comfort me all you want, feed me empty promises, all the bullshit lies Christians make. But you can't bring back my brother, you can't bring back Julia! You can't fix everything so stop sounding so disgusted and leave it alone."

I dropped my hands from his face, looking at him incredulously. Eli's face never looked so broken, not even when he told me what happened. His eyes were cold, hard, like the day he told me he felt nothing for me, and his lips were drawn so tight they were barely visible. This was raw anger and disappointment and hatred. I shook my head, then stood and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" He asked, I sighed shakily.

"I'm trying, Eli. I want to help you, I want to take all your pain away and I can't! You're right, I can't fix everything. I couldn't fix my sister, or my boyfriend, or my parents' marriage. I'm useless!" I cried, wrapping my arms around my body as a shaky sob escaped me.

The sound of rustling clothes and leaves were made, and suddenly arms were around me, holding me up when I felt like I was about to collapse.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he burrowed his face in the crook of my neck. "You can't fix me, but you can…you can make my life a little better."

"How, Elijah? What could I possibly do, you said yourself that all I can do is make empty promises. What good is that? I mean, I can't make you happy. I'm useless, I can't do anything!" I cried, while staring at the dwindling flame of our fire.

"_You could love me_." He whispered, pulling my body closer as my eyes grew wide. "_You could love me, hold me, and be there for me. You don't have to fix me, just make my life a little bit more tolerable. Be my rock and I'll be yours._"

I was turned around swiftly, coming face to face with him. He was so close, close enough to kiss. I stared into his eyes, no longer cold but soft like the grass that was tickling my feet, and his lips were in a small upturned smirk - although I think that his lips are permanently set like so, always smirking, always mysterious.

"_Love me_," he whispered.

My hands rested on his shoulders, sliding up to tangling in his soft black hair. His eyes closed, enjoying my hands working through his hair. Eli's hands slid from their resting place on my hips to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer.

"_Forever_," I whispered and he pulled my lips to his.

This kiss, though I knew it was coming, was just as electrifying as the first one we shared. There was no hesitation; there were no surprises to jump at us. It was just my lips against his, his against mine, our bodies pressed flush to each other.

It was bliss. It was magic. It was like my body was being consumed by him, devoured by that beautiful monster called love. We both angled our heads opposite of one another, and my lips parted shyly as his teeth teased my lower lip.

I groaned, tangling my hand tightly in his hair, the other digging its nails into his neck. His tongue swirled in my mouth, sliding across my teeth and dancing with my tongue. I whimpered when his arms pulled me closer, as if I could get any closer.

Eventually, as Eli had stated, we couldn't stay like this forever. We pulled away, both trying to catch our breath, heavy pants and the sounds of crickets were all we heard. I smiled lazily at him, and he returned it. I never felt so peaceful then at this moment.

"I'll love you forever," I said.

_I never lie; I loved him then, I love him now, and I'll love him every day until I die._


	8. Chapter 8

_Here's Chapter eight, I was three reviews short but I figured I'd do it anyways because I might not even be able to do it the week after next._

_So enjoy, this is actually more of a filler,_

_hope you like it :)_

_36 reviews = update_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ That kiss meant everything to me, no matter how many times we kissed after that one, it stood out among them all. Not because it was our first, real kiss. No, this kiss symbolized everything about us. It was what made our love real, what sealed our fate. It was a kiss beyond Bella and Edwards, beyond Romeo & Juliet, beyond the tragedy of __Cleopatra and Mark Antony._

_ But so far all I've been focusing on was the gloom and horror of our relationship. But the next few chapters are dedicated to the most outstanding week of my life with Elijah. I don't want to ruin it, so I'll just start the story from here…_

I was currently sitting in my room with the sun was just starting to set, glad of the strange quietness that fell on my household. What's stranger is the fact that I find the quiet odd; I was so used to the common yelling and screaming of my family, that I rarely enjoyed quiet evenings like this.

Even though it was summer, I was sitting diligently at my desk, typing the three page essay for my summer reading _'As You Like It'_ by Shakespeare - since I had already taken Juniors English, I had choice between taking Senior English of Shakespeare. And being a lover of the poet literature, I decided on Shakespeare.

A light tapping was made on my French doors to my balcony, but being so engrossed with the essay, I barely noticed. I did, however, notice when there was an obnoxious banging on the door.

"Ah!" I screamed like a little girl, turning swiftly in my chair to see Eli pressing his face to the glass like a little kid.

If I wasn't so scared, I would've laughed at how ridiculous he looked with his nose scrunched down between the window and his face.

"Elijah!" I growled, getting up from my chair angrily.

"_I was trying to be romantic, you know, throwing rocks at your window. I would've played I__n Your Eye's, but I forgot my boom box back at home._" Eli quipped through the glass, "_But, of course, my lovely girlfriend was writing her Summer Reading essay two months in advance._"

"Oh, shut up." I mumbled while unlocking the door to let him in.

"Well since you forgot the flowers, maybe you should carry my off to the sunset on a lawnmower." I giggle, if you hadn't guessed, Eli had a thing for 80's movies like Say Anything or Sixteen Candles.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, his slithered their way around my waist to pull me closer.

"Will Morty do?" He chuckled, nuzzling his nose against my cheek.

I giggled, "Sure."

"So, as to why I stopped by, would you like to go camping?" He asked, I raised an eyebrow and pulled away.

"What?" I asked, "Where?"

"Our spot, just you and me for a week." Eli smiled; I shook my head and looked down.

"I dunno, Eli. I highly doubt my parents would let me. I mean, first off I'd be spending a week _alone_ with my boyfriend. And I hate to say this but they don't particularly like you." I laughed lightly, looking up at his bright green eyes.

"I blame you," He remarked. "I swear, never tease me at the dinner table. I will always get you back." Eli laughed, pulling me closer.

"Whatever." I smirked, and then a giant grin pulled my lips up. "I have a brilliant idea! Let's invite Adam and Fiona. Maybe a few other friends. Your mom could come too. I think that'd be great. There's plenty of room."

A frown instantly formed on his face, and I felt my own sink as well. "Clare, I wanted this to be us time. I mean, the last few weeks it was either under your parent's supervision, or my mom's, or with friends. You even started hanging out with Alli again, and that's diminished our 'us' time."

Eli was whining, and I never heard anything cuter

. I giggled as he nuzzled my neck, placing a few kisses here and there. "What if we just invite a few friends; Adam, Fiona, Alli, and Drew? We can have our alone time hiking, or…at night in our own tent."

I couldn't stop giggling as he continued to assault my neck with light kisses. "Fine, but how about today we spend it with just the two of us? I noticed your parents aren't home." Eli commented, while switching to placing harder kisses on the exposed flesh.

"They're…at work. Mom won't be home until nine, dad until 11…" I trailed off with a whimper as his teeth grazed the skin.

"Perfect." He breathed, sinking his teeth in my neck.

Everything was haze after that, we somehow managed to get ourselves onto the bed and Eli was furiously ravaging my neck with his bared teeth and smooth tongue. I never felt so…hot. It was all I could describe it as. A heated tension started winding in my abdomen, tightening and loosening aggravatingly. The heat licked its ways through my veins, making my skin burn and cool like a heat flash. But each change felt like I was being electrocuted, my senses haywire.

I moaned breathily when Eli shifted and his hand grazed my breath. "Oh, Eli." I whimpered, panting and moaning, a writhing mess beneath him.

We haven't even kissed yet. Eli dragged his lips up my neck, across my cheeks, and stayed barely touching my own raw lips. I kept biting and gnawing at the flesh, trying to control the heat from exploding. I never felt so hot and bothered, so vulnerable and needy. Desperately, I linked my hands behind his neck and pulled him down to finally kiss me. And just like that day, so far off now as we lay so intimately together, the pleasure zipped through my body like 600 volt zap from my lips to my toes.

His tongue pushed pass my swollen lips, tilting his head to have the talented pink muscle tangle with my own. I let out moan slip from my mouth to be swallowed in his own. Our lips vibrated and I felt my body shiver in delight. I pulled away from his mouth when his hand teasingly brushed against the exposed skin of my stomach. I noticed my light sea foam green tank top had ridden up from Eli constantly shifting his chest against mine.

My eyes travelled up to lock with Eli's, and I gulped. "We don't have to do anything; this is completely up to you." Eli said, starting to pull his hand away.

"No, I-"

"Clare! I'm home!" My mother's voice called, and I pushed Eli away in fear. But, of course, he fell and made a loud thud. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I dropped some books!" I called, hastily rearranging my clothes. "_Eli, you have to go!_"

I turned my head to see him already climbing down the tree. I smiled when he blew me a kiss before disappearing. The sound of footsteps were being made up the stairs, so I cleverly grabbed a few books and made it look like I was picking them up when my mom opened the door.

"What on earth were you doing with all those books?" My mother asked, eyeing them.

"Well, I wanted to reorganize them, and I piled them on my bed but they all fell when I bumped into them." I sighed, trying to seem aggravated, which I sort of was.

"Alright." She said, turning to leave.

"Wait!" I called, and she turned back to look at me. "Fiona is going camping, right in the park's camping grounds, and I was wondering if I could go. It'd be Fiona, Alli, and me."

"I don't know. Her parents?" She questioned, raising a brow.

"They'll be in a separate part of the camp ground, but they'll check up with us. I'd be for a week, but it's like a three mile walk from town if we need anything."

"I'll check with your father, but it seems alright with me." My mom smiled and went to leave, shutting the door behind her. I was about to do my completely idiotic happy dance before she peeked back in. "And _no boys_!"

"Yes, mom." I giggled before putting my 'fallen' books away.

I jumped onto my bed and reached for my phone, sending a text to Eli that the camping was on. But I, also, told him that Fiona and Alli had to come.

_Fine, but Drew and Adam have to come. No way will I spend a week with three girls. :P_ _-Eli_

_Gee, thanks. Well I guess this girl will make it a point to not bother you. ;P_ _-Clare bear_

_NO!_ _-Eli_

I giggled before telling him I was going to bed, since it was already nine o'clock. I got up from my bed, went to my dresser and started to change into a pair of boxer shorts and one of Eli's Dead Hand shirt's I pilfered. My phone buzzed when I got myself tucked in, and I grabbed it to see a cute text from Eli.

_Sweet Dreams, Blue Eyes, I know mine will be. With you running through my mind, I can't think of anything sweeter._ _-Eli_

I rolled my eyes, texted him goodnight, then turned off my phone and went to sleep.

_I never had nightmares up until what happened, and that night, though I don't remember much of the dream, I knew it was about green eyes and a smirk._


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks for all of the reviews, and you guys are right, I should write for myself._

_So here is chapter 9,_

_and by the way, I'm not from Canada. I'm from Conneciticut and I feel stupid for that mistake. lol._

_I will most likely not be geographically correct in most of my stories, so yeah._

_Anyways, hope you like it._

_Reviews are appreciative though :)_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ The next few chapters I'm not going to add notes like these at the beginning chapter as per usual, because the entire week I spent with my friends and Eli will take up more than one chapter. So, I'll just get on with the story…_

"Are you sure you have everything?" My mother prodded, patting my shoulder before pulling me into a hug. "_You have extra undergarments? Right?_"

"Mom!" I hissed, pulling away with a blush appearing on my face. "I have everything. Tent, sleeping bags, a thermal blanket, a pillow, about fifteen different sets of clothes and two pairs of shoes. Fiona's parents, and Alli's, packed plenty of food. We'll be fine, I promise. And if I need you, I'll just walk home."

"Okay," she sighed then looked out the window as Fiona hit the car horn once again. "Well, they're waiting, have a good time."

"I will," I gave her another hug before running out the door and down the steps towards Fiona's silver convertible Mercedes.

I tapped the trunk, so she'd pop it and I threw my bag into it. Well, I actually had to stuff it in with Alli's three bags, and Fiona's _four_ bags. I sighed, not realizing I should have emphasized what the word _necessities_ meant.

"Come on, Clare, we're burning daylight!" Fiona giggled, and I rolled my eyes.

I climbed over the trunk to the backseat; since the roof was down I just slid into the plush cushions. Alli turned around in her seat to give me a happy grin, and I smiled back. Fiona looked back, too, before starting the car and driving down my road.

"I'm really happy you invited me, Clare. I know we sort of lost touch this school year, but it's nice to finally reconnect. I miss you, you're way better than those vapid cheerleaders I used to hang out with." Alli sighed, shaking her head.

"Well, it's good you came to your senses. I mean, though you're stilling dating Drew - which I still don't get afte-" I was about to continue when Alli shook her head and closed her eyes.

"Clare, I know you don't think that I should be with him, but you don't know him like I do. And he did cheat on me, but it was all Bianca's fault. I swear. It was only twice, and Bianca moved way across Canada because Degrassi expelled her." Alli growled, I shook my head making my curls bounce in my face.

"Alli, he _cheated_ on you. More than once. It doesn't matter that Bianca is halfway across the country because of that stunt you pulled. It matters that he did it, and he'll do it again with the next Bianca." Alli opened her mouth but I held my hand up. "I don't want to hear about how amazing he is, and sweet and caring, and all the other bullshit you come up with. He did it_ twice_, and he'll do it again. I'm not trying to be the judgmental Christian you think I'm acting like right now. I'm trying to be the friend who only wants you to be happy and not hurt by some thick-headed jock."

Alli shook her head, not wanting to listen to me and turned back in her seat. I rolled my eyes, and then leaned forward to find a good radio station to listen to. Fiona looked at me briefly past her Chiffon sunglasses and had _that look_, like I shouldn't have done that and I should apologize.

I turned the knob, and came across a familiar song _Love Drunk_ by Boys Like Girls and smiled. I turned my head to Alli and started singing; she cracked a smile on her sad face.

"Remember the time we were singing this, going all out in my bedroom with our hairbrushes, and you slipped on my bed. You literally broke my bed! And you're what? 110?" I giggled, and she giggled with me.

I heard Fiona giggle with us as we started to obnoxiously sing to the song, we came to a stoplight when the chorus came on. We sang our hearts out, not realizing all the people on the sidewalks were staring at us. We, also, never realized that a car pulled up beside us. And I believe that car was named Morty.

"Lovely, day, isn't it ladies?" Asked a familiar voice over our horrid singing.

All three of us turned our heads to see Eli's hearse pulled alongside our own. The window was down on the passenger side, with Drew and Adam sticking their heads out with funny expressions on their faces.

"Oh. My. God." We said in unison, mouths agape as the boys snickered at us.

"I suggest…" Adam started.

"That none of you…" Drew continued.

"Try out for American Idol." Eli finished as the boys parted to show the amused smirk of my boyfriend.

I ripped my gaze from his gleaming eyes to see the light turn green and told Fiona to _go_. She sped down the road, leaving a small cloud of smoke in her wake, clearly as embarrassed as Alli and I were.

"I cannot believe that just happened," Alli said in a state of shock, and I started laughing.

Fiona joined, as did Alli, and we laughed all the way to the park. It wasn't just the fit of giggles kind of laugh; this was full-on, stomach clenching, and tear inducing, suffocating laughter. Snorts were heard, gasps were made, and tears poured out.

Finally, we got to the parking lot that was made for people who went off camping. We pulled in, paid for a week's worth of stay and found a parking spot. We stayed in the car a few extra moments to get ourselves situated and our laughter under control.

"Okay, we are never singing outside our bedrooms and or showers again. Never!" Fiona announced, making me and Alli giggle.

I jumped out while Fiona closed up her car, pulling the hood up, locking it in and rolling up the windows. I had her open the trunk so we could get our things out, which consisted of my camping backpack, three large pink bags, one huge backpack, three bright blue bags and a gigantic cooler.

"Holy hell, Fiona. How is any of this a necessity? You, too, Alli!" I gasped while trying to lift the cooler.

"That's what the boys are for." Fiona stated and I rolled my eyes.

"Guys, from here it's about a twenty minute walk _uphill_. You know how long this is going to take, to carry your stuff and _their_ stuff." I groaned, sitting on the cooler and leaning against the bumper of Fiona's car.

"You could've told us that!" Alli said and I groaned again.

"But I did! I gave you a _list_! A list!" I said while shutting my eyes. "A week's worth of camping clothes, at least two pairs of sneakers, a tent, a sleeping bag. And provide your own food."

"Well the cooler has wheels, and it has five compartments so in case we ran out of food or drinks, we could use that. Those blue bags are actually tents; I figured I'd bring those because they're the perfect size for two people. And in those blue bags are blow up mattresses. The boys and you can leave your sleeping bags and tents if you want, that way all we have to bring is this stuff and our clothes." Fiona ranted and I opened my eyes.

"Well, we'll ask them when we get here." I sighed and sat up from the cooler to see Eli pulling in through the gate.

I waved my hand and they pulled into the spot beside us. I gave them a rundown of what Fiona did and they agree to leave their sleeping things and just take their clothes and food. Drew ended up taking the cooler, stacked with the giant tent/mattress on the cooler. Adam took on Drew's backpack, I took my own, Fiona took her backpack, and Eli split his bags with Alli's giant pink bags of clothes.

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><p>I never felt as exhausted as I did when we finally reached the giant clearing. I wanted to bring my tent and sleeping things just in case. Drew looked like he was going to die; he literally collapsed once we reached the flat surface of the clearing.<p>

"Drew!" Alli cried, dropping her things - which happened to be right on Adam's foot.

"Goddammit!" He cursed, dropping his things to bounce on one foot to soothe the other.

I stared, looked over at Eli, and then starting laughing randomly at the whole thing. "You guys are ridiculous."

"Thanks, now, let's stop laughing and set up. It's close to sundown." Fiona said while comforting Adam and his hurt foot. "Adam, quit being a baby. You're fine."

"But it hurts, Fi!" Ada cried, giving her wide eyes and Fiona just rolled her eyes at him.

"Well, I'm not kissing that stinky foot, so you'll have to settle for this." Fiona said, leaning down and giving Adam a sweet kiss.

I giggled, and then looked over at Eli to see him staring at me. "What?"

"How come you don't do that for me?" He asked in a mockingly sad tone, with a pout replacing his usual smirk.

"Well," I said while walking over to him. "You never give me a reason to kiss you."

"I hurt my lip," he chuckled while wrapping his arms around my waist, "kiss it better."

I leaned in and kissed the side of his mouth, teasing him, before pulling away with a small smirk of my own in place. Eli played a smirk on his lips, too, and then dropped his things to chase after me. I shrieked and ran around the fire pit, but was caught because I never dropped my things.

"Not fair! You dropped your things!" I giggled while he swung me around in his arms.

Eli placed my feet on the ground, looking at me with his deep green eyes and lopsided smile. His hands traveled to the middle of my chest and slowly, oh so slowly, undid the buckle holding the backpack to me. After it clicked open, he put his broad hands on my shoulders and slid the straps off my shoulder while moving his head to my neck.

"Better?" He whispered and Goosebumps formed on my pale skin.

"Uh…"

"Can you at least _wait_ until you're both in your tents? _Alone_." Adam complained, making fake gagging noises. I rolled my eyes and pushed Eli away and picked up my fallen backpack.

"Come on, I want to set the tents up before nightfall." I said and went over to help Alli with her tent since Drew was exhausted. He was currently lying on his back and acting as if he were shot, clutching his chest and whining like a five year old.

"So how far have you and Dr. Doom gone?" Alli questioned, pulling out the poles to her tent.

"Alli!" I whispered harshly while dropping my gaze as my cheeks burned profusely. "That is _none_ of your business!"

"Okay, now I have to know. I was joking. The most I thought you would let him do was kiss your neck." Alli wiggled her eyebrow, "It seems there's more to it. Did you do it yet?"

"No! He's barely seen me shirtless." I said while putting the poles together and biting my lip.

"And how much have you seen of him?" She asked, looking frustrated with the covering of the tent.

"Alli! Seriously. _None. Of. Your. Business._" I hissed and went to tug the fabric from its folded state.

"Okay, okay." Alli caved and finished attaching her corners. "But I have to ask, is he good?"

"Oh my god." I groaned while falling onto my butt before lying down with a sigh. "Alliah Bhandari, you are _awful_."

"Which I take it means he's _awesome_." She giggled, I just rolled my eyes.

"Shut up." I groaned, tilting my head to look over at everyone.

Adam and Fiona were sitting outside of their tent, looking like they accomplished the answer to pi. I tilted my head more to see a very frustrated Eli practically destroying our tent. I rolled my eyes and started to get up and walk towards him.

Once I got there, Eli finished his psycho dance of fury and was sitting defeated on a heap of fabric and plastic white poles.

"Need some help?" I asked, Eli looked up with an evil glint in his eyes.

"So now you decide to help me." Eli muttered, growling and standing up.

"What's wrong?" I asked, placing my hands on my hips.

"Nothing," he said while picking up the poles. "Let's just put it together."

"Is this…about everyone being here?" I asked while bending over to pick up the wrinkled cover.

"No, just forget it." Eli said and started to stick the poles together.

"No, I won't." I said, placing the lump of slippery material on the ground and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I'm here for you. To talk and all that good stuff. We agreed on not bottling our feelings. Remember?"

"I know." He muttered, turning his head to kiss me lightly.

"Good. We'll talk later, after our first roasting of weenies and marshmallows." I said while nuzzling his neck. "Now let's put this baby together. Unless you wanna be rustic and sleep under the starry sky."

"Nah, I like my privacy with you." He chuckled, putting more of the white poles together.

I felt my cheeks heat up but shook the tingling feeling in my stomach away to finish the tent. I raised an eyebrow at the air mattress that came with the tent and looked over at Fiona who was unfolding it.

"Fiona!" She looked over at me, "How are me going to inflate these mattresses?"

"You have to blow them!" She shouted back, the boys started to laugh. "Oh, guys, grow up."

I giggled and looked back over to the big mattress. Suddenly I felt frustration flow through me; I seriously have to blow this huge thing up.

"Fiona, you suck." I said with a groan, plopping down to the ground to get busy blowing up the mattress.

"No," Drew said. "She blows, see, she's blowing right now."

Adam and Eli laughed, yet again, looking over at Fiona, whose mouth was on the inflating piece, cheeks red from blowing air into the mattress. I rolled my eyes, "Drew you're so perverted."

"You know it!" He chuckled; I ignored him with putting my mouth on the plastic piece and started my job.

"Yo know what else?" Alli asked, "You're going to blow this mattress since I made the tent."

I chuckled around the plastic air piece and continued on blowing into the mattress. I got it at least halfway blown up before I gave up and fell back from being light-headed.

"Wow, I could help, babe. Here, lemme see this. You rest." Eli said and took the mattress from me.

"Ew, her mouth touched that, Eli." Alli said, I was too tired to bite back a reply.

"Yes and my mouth has touched hers. Among other places," he said before going back to his blowing.

"Again. Ew." Alli said, Drew chuckled beside.

"We've done wors-"

"Stop talking, Torres. Or you won't be doing _anything_ for a while." Alli snapped, I felt my eyes get droopy and I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.

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><p>"I love your wieners, Fiona." Drew joked, he was so immature!<p>

"Drew, shut up." Adam said while putting a marshmallow on a metal rod.

I ignored their dirty banter, instead I was running my fingers through Eli's hair, since he was sitting on the ground between my legs and I was on one of the logs. He gave an appreciative sigh and leaned back into my touch.

It was really late out; the sun had gone down a while ago. Thankfully we managed to organize our things in our tents before it got dark. We even got the fire started before it was dark. I leaned my head back to look through the treetop to see the starry sky.

Suddenly, a star shot by and I smiled. "Guys, a shooting star. Make a wish!"

Alli smiled widely, looking up at the sky and made a silent wish. I did the same, closing my eyes and whispering my wish. I looked down at Eli to see him just sitting there, not making any sign of attempting to make a wish.

"Eli," I whispered. He tilted his head back to rest on my thigh and looked at me.

"Hm?"

"Aren't you going to make a wish?" I asked and a small smile formed on my lips.

"I don't need to," he whispered and took my hand. "I have everything I could ask for."

Eli pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. I felt my cheeks heat up and the corner of my lips turned up in a nervous smile.

"I'm hitting the hay, dudes. You comin' Alli?" Drew asked while standing up and brushing his shorts off.

"Sure. Night guys." Alli said and stood up as well, I waved them off.

"Fiona and I are going to our tent, too. G'night." Adam stated, standing while taking Fiona's hand.

Once they disappeared into the tent, Eli tugged me down onto his lap. "Finally, we're all alone."

"No parents," I whispered as his nose traced down the side of my neck.

"No plans," he murmured on my neck.

"No interruptions." I sighed once his mouth finally kissed the skin of my neck.

My arms wound themselves around Eli's neck, pulled him closer as his hands found their way to my hips and pulled my hips close to his. I whimpered, feeling his teeth graze my neck and his hips rock with mine.

"Oh, Eli." I moaned in my throat and a growl slipped its way passed his lips.

"God, Clare." Eli groaned, sucking on my neck and sliding his hands up to grab my breast.

I threw my head back, panting heavily at the amazing sensations I was feeling from his ministrations. I closed my eyes tightly as his mouth moved lower; I had to bite my lip to keep myself from moaning loudly.

"Eli…I think we should go to the tent." I whimpered again when his teeth roughly bit into the skin of my exposed breasts.

He grunted enthusiastically, and wrapped my legs around his waist before standing. I pulled his head up to look into his lust filled eyes; it was only a moment before my lips met his in a passionate kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

_So, you must hate me. In all honesty, I'm lazy -_-''_

_But that's isn't a really good excuse. But here's the next installment of Dear Journal :)_

_Hope you enjoy it,_

_P.S. I figured you all needed some nice EClare lovin' after tuesday's episode._

_P.S.S. Anyone notice Imogen's name was called during last night's episode? lol_

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><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_ This is going to be a bit explicit, but this is a moment I don't plan on forgetting so it has to be said._

Somehow, Eli and I made it to the tent, with my body pressed into the air filled mattress while Eli had his way with my suddenly shirtless torso.

My fingers were wrapped tightly in his hair while his heated tongue mapped my body from the valley of my breasts to my navel. Eli's mouth slid across my abdomen, leaving a hot trail to my right hipbone, where he sucked on the skin, and then bit it causing me to cry out and bite my lip to contain my noises. He kissed the red mark before moving over to the other hip, giving it the same attention.

I was on fire, my body blushing a bright red. I didn't know how to soothe myself besides letting out the pleasurable pain through my cries and whimpers.

"Eli," I whimpered, rubbing my legs together.

"Yes," his hot breath slid across my chilled skin and a shiver racked my body.

"Touch me." I plead, pulling his head up to be level with my face.

"And where exactly," he slid his hand up my bare waist to my hover over my bra-clad breasts. "Do you want me to touch you?"

I flipped us over, surprising him. I undid the clasp of my bra and threw it across the tent. Eli's eyes seemed to glaze over and stare hungrily at my chest. As chivalrous as he was, he was a hormonal teenage boy, and his eyes were glued to my bared chest.

I felt nervous, seeing a look so primal and lustful in Eli's gaze. My arms started to rise to cover my exposed chest, but the rough hands that were resting on my waist gripped my wrists and pulled me down so my face was eerily close to his own.

"Never feel shy with me, please. You're…I don't even know how to explain how gorgeous you are. Just don't." He whispered against my lips, my eyes fluttered closed, wanting him to kiss me badly.

I waited, but I felt nothing. I started, my eyes opening when Eli placed a tender kiss just below my ear.

"You're gorgeous," kiss on my jaw. "Beautiful," kiss on my chin. "Lovely," kiss on my flushed cheek. "Amazing," kiss on my forehead. "And I'm yours," kiss to my lips.

"Oh, Eli." I sighed in the kiss, wishing he'd free me from his grip on my wrists.

We rolled until I was on my back, his chest pressed closely to mine. I closed my eyes, melting into the tender loving kiss we shared. Suddenly my wrist was free, only to be held into one hand, while his left hand grazed down my cheek, my neck, my collarbone, skirting around my breast to my waist.

I wriggled in his touch, wishing he'd touch me where I wanted to be touched, but Eli wouldn't let me get what I wanted so easily. No, I had to earn what he gave me. I usually was paid in my whimpers and pleas, and I gave my best whine in hopes of arousing him enough to touch me.

"Eli, please." I whimpered, pushing my chest up.

"What?" He asked teasingly, lips leaving mine to nibble on my earlobe.

"Touch me," I groaned, lifting my leg to wrap around his waist.

Eli chuckled, grabbing my wrapped leg with his free hand and lifted it higher, making me groan as our lower halves touched. I took note of the strained look on his face, reveling in the fact I wasn't the only one struggling with control.

"Where?" He whispered in my ear, making me shiver in delight.

"Anywhere," I whined with lifting my hips to meet his.

"Clare!" Eli hissed sharply, making me grin.

His mouth moved from my neck to my bare chest, taking my right breast in his hand. I groaned at the skin on skin contact. I pushed my chest closer to his touch and bit my lip as he rolled my nipple between his index finger and thumb.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation. Suddenly I felt warm air blow across my left breast, making my eyes snap open only to flutter closed with a satisfied moan when Eli took my nipple in his mouth. I tried to free my hands, and finally I slipped one free to grip his hair while he swirled his heated tongue around my nipple.

"Yes, uh, right there." I moaned, feeling his teeth bite hard on the sensitive bud. "Oh god."

Eli gave up on holding my one hand and slid both down to the band on my shorts; he pulled away and moved so he was level with my face.

"Can I?" Eli asked, dipping a finger beneath my shorts and panties.

I hummed a reply, not fully trusting my voice. Eli smirked and kissed my lips softly, working expertly on my shorts button and zipper.

I gasped when he pulled both my panties and shorts were pulled down, fully exposing my body to him. I shut my legs instinctively, but Eli had other plans, gripping my knees and pulling them apart. I whined in my throat, biting my bottom lip as Eli's hands slid down my thighs, only to skim over my stomach to my breasts.

"Eli." I whined, wriggling under his touch.

"What?" He asked, smirk in place.

"Touch me," I growled.

Eli complied, hands sliding down to touch my clit. I moaned loudly as his thumb circled my clit slowly. Another moan ripped from my throat as his right hand went to my entrance, slipping both his middle and ring finger inside me.

"Oh!" I gasped, bucking my hips into his touch.

I bucked my hips wildly, moaning and panting as my body seemed to spontaneously combust. Which I knew wasn't possible, but fire seemed to burn through my veins. It grew hotter in my abdomen, making my toes curl and my mouth hang open in a silent scream.

My vision went white, the light seemingly exploding in front of my eyes. My ears rang and my body tensed as white hot waves of pleasure coursed through me, making me shiver and moan while it ended.

"You're so fucking beautiful." Eli whispered in my neck, breathing heavily.

My vision cleared, and I was back in our tent, I heard Eli's ragged breathing and my own short breaths. I raised my hand sluggishly to the base of Eli's neck and made him move so he was looking me. I pulled his face closer and kissed him softly, pouring all my feelings in the slow and sensuous kiss.

"Should I…" I trailed off, sliding my hand down his side to the front of his pants.

"No," he said. "I'm good. You don't have to." He pulled away my hand, bringing it to his lips.

"Are you sure?" I asked breathlessly, he nodded. "Thank you, though. It was…"

"Amazing." He smirked; I just hummed before pulling him down to kiss me again.

"You're so full of yourself," I mumbled. "Now, let's get some sleep. We're going to the lake tomorrow. It's gonna be a long hike."

"Yeah, yeah." Eli chuckled, kissing me chastely before rolling off of me and going to his bag of clothes.

We both got our pajamas on; well, all he did was switch into clean boxers while I put on pajama shorts and a clean tank top. We crawled under the thick sleeping bags we shared as a blanket and I was pulled into Eli's chest, my back snuggled into his chest.

"Good night," he whispered, kissing my neck before settling back on the pillows.

* * *

><p>"Rise and shine!" Yelled Fiona burst into our tent, making Eli shriek and roll off the air mattress.<p>

I sat up quickly, looking around with squinted eyes, messed up hair and a slightly drooped mouth. I rubbed my eyes, looking over to see Eli just lying on the ground, I started giggling.

"What. The. Fuck." He groaned, still not moving from his place on the ground.

"Language." I said sternly, Eli turned his head to look at me.

"You were saying some pretty vulgar things last night, I don't wanna hear it." Eli chuckled, and I felt my cheeks heat up in a blush.

"Why exactly were you saying things as vulgar as fuck?" Fiona asked, giving me a suggestive wink.

"No reason at all," I hissed, directing it more at Eli than Fiona.

"Sure," Fiona didn't sound convinced. "_Anyway_, get your stuff for the lake. Adam just got Drew and Alli up, so no rush really."

Fiona left and courteously zipped the opening closed for us. I groaned, not wanting to get up at…what time was it? I leaned over Eli to my bag and grabbed my watch, looking to see it was…six o'clock in the morning?

"It's only six. Why would we get up this fricken early?" I moaned, falling on top of Eli in despair.

"You used to get up this early for school, big deal." He chuckled, I moaned into my arms.

"That was _school_. It's important. Getting to the lake early is _not_ important." I mumbled, not moving.

I had every intention of just laying on Eli into well of the morning, but he had other plans. I didn't feel him move, but suddenly his hands were skating on my sides, tickling me.

"Eli!" I yelped, followed by a fit of giggles and squeals.

"Come on," he chuckled, viciously tickling me. "Time to get up."

"I swear," giggle. "If you don't stop," giggle. "I will bite you."

"Is that a promise?" Eli laughed, not faltering on tickling me.

I grabbed his hands and straddled his lap, placing my mouth just below his ear. "It's a threat." I bit his earlobe before moving my mouth to his neck, leaving various love bites across the side of his neck.

"Aw, come on, guys! This early!" Groaned Adam, making me jump off of Eli's lap.

"Way to cockblock, bro." Commented Drew, peering around a horrorstricken Adam.

"Alright, we're getting dressed, now leave." I snapped, but giggled as Adam stumbled out of the tent with his hands over his eyes.

"It was just getting good," commented Eli, making me roll my eyes.

"Shut up and get dressed, Goldsworthy." I said, standing and going to my bag.

* * *

><p>"So where is this wondrous lake anyways?" Drew asked, trying to keep pace with everyone.<p>

"It's about ten miles from camp." I said, jumping across two large rocks.

"Oh my god." Alli groaned, I rolled my eyes.

"I suggested it, and you were all for swimming and tanning. So no bitching." I said, stepping over a root protruding from the earth.

"Clare!" Alli gasped, surprised by my language.

"What? You agreed to go camping. Did you honestly think that walking through the woods in 90 plus heat wouldn't involve some work?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Eli, you are a horrible influence. She's starting to use your sarcasm! I want the old Clare back!" Alli teased and I giggled while Eli stuck his tongue out at her.

"Well, Alli, the old Clare felt the same way. She just never said anything. If anything, I'm glad I met Eli. He gave me the balls to speak my mind." I laughed when Adam made of face.

"It's nice to know who has the balls in the relationship." Drew commented, Alli smacked him on the back of the head. "Ouch!"

"Would you stop with the crude comments? Honestly, you're acting li-"

"Like a five year old. Blah blah. Learn some manners. Blah blah. I know, Alli. I'm just joking around." Drew said and that started a heated argument between the two.

"Should we…stop them?" Fiona asked, I shook my head while ducking underneath a branch.

"Nah. They'll fight for a bit, and then slip away from make-up sex. Problem solved." I said, making Adam snicker.

"I think Clare's getting quite the attitude, don't you think?" Adam questioned jokingly behind me, I rolled my eyes and let go of a branch I was holding and it whacked Adam square on the forehead.

Eli busted out laughing, along with Fiona and even the fighting couple way back at the sight of a disgruntled Adam on the ground. I looked back with an evil smirk.

"You are so, so, so going to get it." Adam threatened while I ran ahead with Adam behind me.

I swerved around trees and jumped over roots while Adam continuously stumbled. I reached an opening in the woods, but stopped quickly when I reached the edge of a small hill breaking off to the lake. I heard Adam coming behind me, so I expertly climbed down the side of the ledge and stayed pressed against the wall while keeping balanced on a thick root jutting out of the dirt.

"Where did she go?" Adam asked, I smirked hearing right above me.

I looked below to see the very least, a three foot drop into semi-deep water. I turned on the root, and pressed my front to the dirty ledge-side, waiting for Adam to get closer.

"Hey, Fi. Hold my stuff; I'm going to go find Clare." I heard Adam say, then the rustling of fabric. I waited until I saw the very tip of Adam boot before grabbing his ankle firmly and tugging him off the edge and into the murky water below.

Adam shrieked, and then yelped as his body turned and his bottom hit the water. He flailed like a fish out of water, but he was sitting on the water's floor, the water just barely reaching over his shoulders.

The gang was laughing as Adam realized what happened, he glared at me, and I realized I was a sitting duck, standing on the thick – but short – root. I threw my backpack up and then tried to climb up before Adam could get me.

I had my chest above the edge, but Adam successfully hugged my legs and brought me down. I squealed and fell back with him into the water. I shot up, my hair soaked along with my clothes.

"Hey, you got me twice, you deserve at least this. But I gotta praise you. What you did was pretty fucking awesome. You were all ninja like, I totally did not see that come." Adam laughed while looking at me through his soaked bangs.

"Whatever. You are _so_ lucky I brought extra clothes." I warned, walking out of the water and shivering.

Something slithered around my ankle, making me shriek, bolting out of the water and around the hill to the beach part of the lake.

"You guys have a nice dip?" Drew asked, I flipped him off.

"I'm going to go change into my bathing suit; I suggest you guys do the same. We girls will change in the woods over there, "I pointed past the hill and towards a thick part of the forest. "You guys just change elsewhere. I swear, if you peep, I will beat you each personally."

"Will do." The gang said, and the girls followed my wet self to where we were going to change.

* * *

><p>"Who wants to play chicken?" Drew asked, we all grinned. Adam coaxed Fiona off her towel and Drew already had Alli flipped over his shoulder, I gulped, seeing Eli give me a sinister look as he got out of the water.<p>

Now, I must point out how unbelievable cheesy and erotic what happens next. I was speechless and everything seemed to slow, like one of those old Baywatch episodes. Eli stepped out of the water in his sleek black swimming trunks. The water glittered on every exposed part on his body, especially on his defined chest.

I hadn't realized I was gaping, not even when he smirked, flipping his wet hair out of his eyes. "I know unbelievably sexy, but please try to control yourself."

I shook my head, clearing the dirty thoughts forming in my head, trying to forget of doing unimaginable and naughty things to him.

"Now, come on. We're gonna play chicken." Said Eli, holding his hand out.

I grabbed it, but didn't expect Eli pulling me roughly, enough to bring me to my feet and slam into his chest. I gasped as my heated chest met his cool one, Eli groaned in my ear.

"You look fucking amazing in the skimpy two-piece." He whispered, nipping my earlobe.

I was weak in the knees and desperate to feel Eli's lips on mine like they were last night.

"Are you guys coming?" Asked Drew, Eli pulled back then dragged me into the water.

I shivered as the cold water wrapped around me, chilling me until Eli wrapped his slightly warmer body wrapped around me.

"Ready?" He asked, looking me in the eyes. I was glad we were submerged in the water, so he couldn't see my legs shake.

"Sure." I said then shrieked happily as Eli sank under the water, and the boys followed his lead, swimming under their girlfriends and lifting up under the water.

"Okay, count of three." Said Drew, "One."

"Two." Said Adam.

"Three." Finished Eli, and I gripped hands with Fiona, laughing wildly.

It went on for a while, our game of chicken. First round, Fiona won. Second, Alli and I tagged together to get Fiona down, then I had no problem getting Alli to fall. The third, Alli won by tagging with me, but when Fiona and my hands were holding each other's, Alli pushed us both down. The last tie breaker was me, because Eli cheated by tickling Adam, and I had Alli down in a second.

"Okay," Adam said as he popped out of the water. "I think that's good. I'm done."

Drew laughed and shook his head. "It's getting late, just about sundown, we should head back."

We agreed and went to the shore, then to our towels to dry off. I shook my head, water spraying onto Eli who chuckled and wrapped his arms around me.

"Not cool." He laughed, I tilted my head back and stuck my tongue out.

Eli nipped at my tongue and my tongue retreated into my mouth, my eyes wide with shock. Once it wore off I giggled and leaned up, kissing his quickly before wiggling out of his grip.

"I need to change." I said, grabbing my backpack, the girls followed me.

* * *

><p>"Okay, let's play something," said Drew while flipping a burger on the iron rack Fiona brought so we could cook.<p>

"Like?" I asked, munching on a bag of Doritos.

Eli stuck his hand in my bag and I snatched it away, playfully mumbling, "_My Doritos._" He just laughed and popped the chip in his mouth.

"Uh, truth or dare?" I rolled my eyes, "Lame!"

"Well what do you think we should do?" He asked, I shrugged my shoulders.

"I brought liquor. We could play Never Have I Ever, and instead of removing clothes, we drink from our bottles."

Everyone agreed and Fiona went to her insulated cooler and brought out three bottles of Smirnoff flavored vodka and three bottles of Samuel Adams beer.

I tried to open to top but pouted, looking at Eli pop the top off expertly, I sighed in defeat and looked at Eli with pleading eyes. He chuckled and opened the bottle for me.

"Okay, my idea, I go first. Never have I ever…gotten drunk before." Fiona said, easily taking a sip of her vodka.

I took a sip along with Drew and Eli, I looked at Alli somewhat surprised while she gave me the same look.

"I know it seems like I would, but I haven't. Now, Miss Edwards, please enlighten me when you've gotten drunk?" Alli asked, I blushed.

"I wasn't at a party or anything, well it was, I meant like a high school party. I was about fourteen and my parents let me have a glass of red wine during their Christmas party. Not that big of a deal, but apparently I'm a lightweight." I rambled, feeling my cheeks burn hotter by each stumble of my words.

"My, my." Alli teased, I just rolled my eyes then questioned who'd go next.

"Me!" Drew called, a sly smirk on his face, "Never have I ever gotten gone all the way."

Fiona, Alli, Drew, and…Eli took a swig of their poisons. I looked at Eli, somewhat stunned and kind of hurt for some reason. Eli turned to look at me, and I felt my heart stutter at his guilty gaze. I stood abruptly from my seat next to him and stomped into the woods.

I don't know why I'm acting so dramatic. Of course Eli's been with other people, it's not like I didn't know. Eli obviously implied he had with Julia, so why am I feeling so…frustrated?

"_Clare!_" Called Eli, and I shivered, I hadn't realized how far I'd gone into the woods.

I downed the whole bottle of vodka and threw the glass far off into the…dark…creepy woods. I felt the vodka settle in me, warming my belly and blurring my vision of the dark forest around me. It was dark, but even I knew when the darkness around me was turning into a blurry, fuzzy mess.

Everything went _pitch black_ in a matter of seconds.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thanks for the reviews guys, you're awesome :)_

_So here's chapter 11._

_I have to say that I love Imogen more than I thought I would. She's freaking hilarious, although clearly psycho about Eli._

_I loved when she dived on the floor and put those tampons in her nose._

_Anyways, here's chapter 11 :)_

_Reviews please?_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Journal,<em>

_I'm not proud on how I handled the news about Julia. It was obvious that Julia and Eli were close, so close they were sleeping together, but I don't know. I was jealous, a stupid feeling that shouldn't have had such an effect on me. It wasn't like Julia was going to show up and steal Eli away from me. She was dead. But I was still jealous, that though I was still a virgin, Eli wasn't. So, if I ended up sleeping with Eli, we won't be able to share such a special moment. Not to say it wouldn't be special, just I was going in blind while Eli had so much experience over me._

_I felt like I wouldn't live up to the standards of Julia, or disappoint him because of naivety. He used to say that was his favorite thing about me, my naïve, untainted, innocence. My purity. He said it meant that I wasn't like other girls. That I had morals, and was smart. But, at the same time, he felt like I was too good for him. When in reality, he was too good for me._

I woke up with a groan, light was shining right in my face, and I rolled over to stop the glare from hurting my eyes. Something crunched underneath me, making my head ache as I thought why something would do that. I was camping, so I should be in my tent, on my mattress. _With Eli_.

_Oh god,_ was the only thing that crossed my mind.

I remembered now, that I had gotten drunk, and ran off into the woods after finding out that Eli had sex with Julia. But after that, everything was blurry, so I opened my eyes and tried to focus my distorted vision.

Suddenly, everything was crystal clear, and I was staring at a very close plant…with a gigantic beetle on it. I let out a scream and sat up, scrambling away until my back hit something hard. I looked behind me to see I had bumped into a decaying fallen log.

"Where the hell am I?" I asked myself, groaning as my headache worsened.

I stood up and looked around me to see I was in the middle of the woods, and I saw no path or trail nearby. I studied where I was laying and saw I had passed out beside the log, and was surrounded by thick bramble.

_So I had the sense to at least pass out in a safe spot_, I thought.

I looked down at myself to see the side of my shorts ripped, and my clothes completely dirty. Leaves and twigs stuck out in random places, including my hair. I checked my pockets and grabbed my phone, and a map I used yesterday to find the lake.

I, of course, had no service. But at least I had the map to help me. I looked around me to see where I could possibly be, but I had no such luck of finding a land marker that would show where I was. And the canopy of the forest was too thick to see where the sun had risen, so I decided to look around to find the path I had taken.

I saw a clearly broken path of branches and even footsteps that were formed in the muddy ground. Obviously made by a drunken person, with the footprints in an odd path and I swear I saw handprints. It would explain the ripped shorts. I sighed, feeling annoyed that I had gotten that drunk, letting myself become reckless and walk so far from camp.

I followed the path, groaning when the path became less defined, which meant I was sober at the time. But I didn't care when I saw light coming through a wall of trees, like an opening into a clearing. I broke into a run and made it into an opening next to the lake we were at yesterday. I sighed in relief and looked at my map, and saw a cleared path that would lead me straight to the campsite.

* * *

><p>By the time I reached the campsite, it was sundown, and the air was chilly. Everyone was pacing the clearing where we were camping; Alli and Fiona looked close to tears, Adam was on the phone, Drew was nowhere to be seen, and so was Eli.<p>

"Guys?" I called out, everyone whipped their heads to see me, and then they all screamed my name.

Eli stumbled out of the tent as Alli and Fiona ran to me, practically tackling me in the process. I rolled my eyes, but hugged them back, glad I was safe. I opened my eyes when I heard Eli say my name, and saw him staring at me with sad eyes. I broke away from their hug and ran right into Eli's arms, digging my nails into his back, feeling awful for what I did.

I felt him shake in my arms and knew he was crying. After what happened to his brother, and to Julia, this probably hurt him immensely. I pulled away to look him in the eyes, sighing when I saw he had tears running down his cheeks.

"I'm so, so sorry." I whispered, kissing his tear-stained cheeks. "So sorry."

I kept whispering and kissing him, hoping he'd forgive me. Finally, he stopped me by grabbing my face and kissing me square on the lips. I sighed and gripped his shoulders, hoping to get some leverage when my legs seemed to give out.

"Okay, lovebirds. Save that for later, Clare probably wants to get cleaned up, and probably wants to eat, too." Alli said, making Eli to pull away from our kiss.

I ignored my hunger for most of the day, because I couldn't exactly do anything about it and I didn't want to waste time stopping when I could get to the campsite. I kissed Eli one last time before going into our tent to get stuff to clean up. We were using a nearby creek to clean ourselves and our clothes, Alli and Fiona went with me.

They told me they needed to get clean too, but I really thought that they just wanted to keep an eye on me. We washed up in separate spots, using our bathing suits to have _some_ privacy. I groaned when I had to ask Alli to pick out all the twigs and leaves still in my hair. All in all, it took me over half an hour to be decent.

I dressed in black and pink boxer shorts, and a large pink tee shirt with a design on it. Alli's attire was similar, but Fiona was dressed in silk shorts and a tight silky top.

"And what do _you_ plan on doing tonight, Miss Coyne?" I giggled while Fiona blushed, biting her lip to stop her from giggling like a little schoolgirl.

"_Nothing_." She laughed nervously as we made our way back to camp.

"Sure. Just make sure you keep it down. I need my beauty sleep." Alli laughed, giving Fiona a wink.

I walked ahead, suddenly feeling the empty feeling in my stomach, growling profusely. I made it to the campsite first and went for the cooler and got out a bag of Doritos and a bottle of water. I sat between Eli's legs like the first night there, with my back resting on the log.

I immediately started to devour the bag of Doritos while everyone laughed at my ridiculous eating. I frowned when I was left with crumbs in the bag. I sighed and wiped my hands to get the cheese off and went back to the cooler.

"You guys wanna make s'mores?" I asked, pulling out marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers.

"Booyah!" Adam yelled, Fiona eyed him.

"Really?" She laughed; he gave her a wide smile before barreling over to me and snatched the goodies.

"Adam!" I growled, chasing him while everyone laughed.

I finally tackled him and grabbed the stuff before retreating to my spot in front of Eli. I stuck my tongue out at Adam, knowing he couldn't get me with Eli 'protecting' me.

"I'm going to get you, Clare. I swear, it's gonna happen when you least expect it." He threatened, I rolled my eyes.

"Keep it up and I'll make sure you won't get a hand on these sweets." I threatened back, taunting him by swinging the bag of marshmallows.

"I give!" He said, I rolled my eyes.

We spent most of the night just pigging out to s'mores, but almost everyone went to their respective tents around midnight, including me. Eli curled up behind me, keeping my body close to his.

"Clare?" Eli asked after a while.

"Hm?" I rolled over to look at him, almost asleep.

"Why did you run into the woods?" He asked, I gulped, now fully awake.

"Well…uh…okay this is going to sound really stupid. I was mad…and jealous." I said, he gave me a confused look. "That you and Julia had…slept together. I already knew but…I'm just afraid that I'm not going to live up to her. I mean, you showed me a picture of her, and she was gorgeous. Long, straight dark hair, dark eyes and skinny. My hair is like a giant frizz ball, I'm way too pale, and I most definitely am not skinny. And the way you talk about her, she seemed amazing. And I'm not. I, also, realized that I can't even top her. She was your first, first love, first time, first kiss. I just…I don't know. I feel inadequate. Like some naïve girl that you'll leave because I can't give you what she gave you."

Eli stared at me, for a long time. I could see a lot of emotions cross his gorgeous green eyes. I saw confusion, pain, sadness, anger, but most of all, I saw love.

"Clare…" he finally spoke with a sad tone. He pulled me up with him, and had me stare straight into his eyes. "I…you have no idea how much you mean to me. How much you've changed me. For the better. You aren't naïve, you're just…innocent. Good. Pure. Everything I'm not. You're too good for me; it's not the other way around. I love you, Clare. I love you. I don't care if we don't sleep together. I don't care if you're not my first. I want you to be my last, and I hope I'll be yours."

I smiled, leaning forward to wrap my arms around his neck. "Of course."

Eli kissed my neck, wrapping his arms around my torso, and pressing me tightly to him. "Will you be my last?"

"Forever." I said, pulling back to kiss him.

"I love you, Clare Edwards," he said against my lips.

"I love you, too, Elijah Goldsworthy." I said back, kissing him back.


	12. Sorry

I am so unbelivably sorry. Like times ten million. All I can say is that I've basically given up on Degrassi Eclare.

I still love the pairing, but the story ideas for them have basically run dry.

Not to discourage all the writers out there, but I just think the pairing has run it's course. Maybe someday I'll get into it again, but it's not likely.

So, it's safe to say I won't be writing anymore Degrassi stories. But I am going to keep writing. As much as I can.

One of the main reasons is because I started school - senior year is pretty brutual, ontop of that I had to graduate now I'm in college, a whole new level of madness. So, sorry about this.

_Falling _will be discontinued also, sorry :/ if you just like my writing, I will be posting other stories, in other categories.

And to anyone interested, if anyone wants to continue my stories, you're more than welcome. Just PM me.


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